Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Actively Waiting

Actively waiting....not words that I often put together, but I should. I know I wrote in my last post that I'm not sure where I'll be after I graduate, and that still hasn't changed. It seems I need daily reminders to just wait on His timing.

Yesterday I went to the prayer chapel to just sit, pray, and listen. As I prayed I told God how much I desire to know the next step- I wanted to know where He is taking me. After sitting in silence for several minutes I have to admit that I started to grow frustrated and upset. Why wasn't He talking? Then a humbling realization hit me- who am I to put parameters on God and to tell Him that me needs to answer me right away? Who am I to tell God what to do and to tell Him the timeline in which He should do it?

As I continued to sit and pray for God to forgive me for my attitude, He did direct my attention back to a conversation I had with someone last week. The conversation was about actively waiting. While I may not know what life after May 1st will hold, I can actively and obediently wait. Actively waiting requires that I continue to serve, to love, to pray, to worship, to obey, and that I continue to seek to know God more.

He already knows all the answers and outcomes. He knows my heart- better than I could ever understand it myself. I have to trust that He is a good God and that HE KNOWS what's best. I need to stop being a control freak and let go of the reins.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Step Back and Take a Look

I'm almost a week into my last semester of college. Whoa. People ask if I'm excited...and in some respects yes, but in other ways it makes me want to panic, haha. I have no leads for after college yet and I'm trying to learn to be ok with that. I know I shouldn't just sit back and expect God to instantly drop something in my lap and that I need to take some initiative, trusting Him and listening for His voice. Easier said than done some days.

I got to talk to a missionary from Africa Inland Mission this week and what he had to say both encouraged and challenged me. As we talked he could sense that I'm struggling with being fully surrendered to God and trusting His plan instead of my own. He was completely right. God's been allowing me to be in those situations a lot lately- where I feel like a mirror is being held up and parts of me that need to be continually refined are brought to the surface. A lot of times it makes me want to cringe- it's not always fun to face those messy areas, but crazily enough, it's been exciting at the same time. I feel a sense of longing deep inside for change and for growth.

Part of that "looking into the mirror" happened a lot over break. It was a break filled with reunions and I loved it. Seeing friends from high school, my best friends growing up, youth group friends, family, and some of my friends from my semester in Uganda. All of these people have helped shape me and have played an important role in my life. Just to give an example, seeing my friends that I studied abroad with was so refreshing. It was awesome to talk back through our experiences, our lives since being home- sharing both the good and the hard things. There was just something special about being with them- it's like they helped breathe life into me. I left refreshed and reminded of many of the things God showed me during my time in Uganda.

Stepping back and "looking into the mirror" can expose parts of you you didn't realize were there. God can use it to show you areas He wants to mend, to refine, to change, to replace. It's also amazing when those moments reveal to you the ways in which others have touched your lift and how they have left their imprint.