Monday, March 24, 2008

From the inside out...

These past fews months have been crazy. Things I was sure of last semester now leave questions marks in my mind. Things I was confident in now leave me doubting. I was talking to a friend about this last night and they told me that it was good because it meant I had a seeking heart. I never thought of it that way. I always felt like all of these unsure feelings were bad and I was scared to let anyone see past my facade of being "ok." Maybe God's let me go down this road to prepare me for big change. A time for molding, mending, and renovating.

Last week I found myself feeling as though I had lost myself. In high school I was somewhat sure of things, outgoing, warm, and encouraging. I miss that girl. I know those aspects are still there but they're different. Coming to college took away all my security blankets and complacencies. I know it's a good thing, but when I try to handle without God's help, it's so overwhelming. I'm ready to be sure of things again and I'm ready to fearlessly be myself. There's freedom in that.

Sunday, March 16, 2008


So...I was jumping on a trampoline at my friend's house this weekend, having a great time, but then I landed wrong. I felt my knee bend in toward my body, heard a few pops and cracks and before I knew it I was laying on the trampoline grasping my knee in pain. I've never heard a knee makes those sounds before (I cringe just thinking about it). I laid there with my friend's on the trampoline thinking that maybe the pain would go away...but it didn't. As I attempted to walk to the house my knee screwed up again. I managed to get to the couch and later did a lame crab walk to my friend's bed. Then Saturday morning my friend's mom came in to check on me and I tried to take a few steps. Bad idea, after only a couple small steps my knee ground left to right left to right and I was down on the floor. Ouch.

Long story short, my mom drove to Illinois to get (and grandma decided to go along too, haha), they took me to the emergency room, within the 2 hours that I was there I got x-rays, examined by a few nurses, put in a brace, and sent home. No answers...that was frustrating. Hopefully I'll get to see an orthopedic surgeon in the next couple days.

I know things happen for a reason and God is using this to teach me things, like how I have trouble accepting help from others. I never thought God would use blowing out a knee to reveal a pride problem. So here I sit, learning to accept and to be grateful for the help others are giving me.

I kinda wish this weekend could have been recorded so that I could laugh at myself. I've learned new ways to get around on crutches, wheely office chairs, and hopping on one leg, how to take baths, and dress myself....actually, it's probably best those moments weren't captured. haha