How long have you been standing?

TODAY:
Today's chapel was great. The guy who led it asked a question that really stuck with me today, "How long have you been standing?" Too often we lean on our own understanding and before we know it we're caring the weight of our world. It seems to me the longer we walk in this manner, the more weary and heavy-burdened we become. We lose sight of the One who asks us to give Him our load. He WANTS to carry it because He LOVES us that much. We often attempt to carry our loads until we're so fatigued that we buckle underneath the weight and fall to our knees. Perhaps it's in that time on our knees when we remember how things should be and we're faced with the decision to surrender. When we humble ourselves and get on our knees things come into perspective. God picks us up and restores us; He lifts the weight and puts it on Himself.

I don't know about you, but I've been standing for way to long.

LAST NIGHT:
Last night I was talking a friend about testimonies. We shared stories of people in our lives with amazing testimonies and how God is using them to make such an impact. After a while our own fears about sharing our own testimonies surfaced. I think there are many times that I rationalize that my testimony is nothing great. I've caught myself thinking, "My testimony would be so much better if I would have done a bunch of really terrible things and then came to know the Lord." That's crazy thinking (which by the way, is also wrong).

The truth of the matter is that we've all sinned and done terrible things. I've also allowed myself to think, "I'm not sharing "that" part of my testimony" because I've been afraid of what others will think. Then again I'm hit with the truth, those things are in the past and my life now should be a testament of how God has saved and changed me. Bottom line, we all have amazing testimonies. We're all sinners who have been saved by grace. We can never earn or deserve it. We can't make God love us more or less. The fact that with all the junk I've had in my life and all the times I've screwed up, Jesus died for me. That's insanely awesome.

From the inside out...

These past fews months have been crazy. Things I was sure of last semester now leave questions marks in my mind. Things I was confident in now leave me doubting. I was talking to a friend about this last night and they told me that it was good because it meant I had a seeking heart. I never thought of it that way. I always felt like all of these unsure feelings were bad and I was scared to let anyone see past my facade of being "ok." Maybe God's let me go down this road to prepare me for big change. A time for molding, mending, and renovating.

Last week I found myself feeling as though I had lost myself. In high school I was somewhat sure of things, outgoing, warm, and encouraging. I miss that girl. I know those aspects are still there but they're different. Coming to college took away all my security blankets and complacencies. I know it's a good thing, but when I try to handle without God's help, it's so overwhelming. I'm ready to be sure of things again and I'm ready to fearlessly be myself. There's freedom in that.

Restless

So...I was jumping on a trampoline at my friend's house this weekend, having a great time, but then I landed wrong. I felt my knee bend in toward my body, heard a few pops and cracks and before I knew it I was laying on the trampoline grasping my knee in pain. I've never heard a knee makes those sounds before (I cringe just thinking about it). I laid there with my friend's on the trampoline thinking that maybe the pain would go away...but it didn't. As I attempted to walk to the house my knee screwed up again. I managed to get to the couch and later did a lame crab walk to my friend's bed. Then Saturday morning my friend's mom came in to check on me and I tried to take a few steps. Bad idea, after only a couple small steps my knee ground left to right left to right and I was down on the floor. Ouch.

Long story short, my mom drove to Illinois to get (and grandma decided to go along too, haha), they took me to the emergency room, within the 2 hours that I was there I got x-rays, examined by a few nurses, put in a brace, and sent home. No answers...that was frustrating. Hopefully I'll get to see an orthopedic surgeon in the next couple days.

I know things happen for a reason and God is using this to teach me things, like how I have trouble accepting help from others. I never thought God would use blowing out a knee to reveal a pride problem. So here I sit, learning to accept and to be grateful for the help others are giving me.

I kinda wish this weekend could have been recorded so that I could laugh at myself. I've learned new ways to get around on crutches, wheely office chairs, and hopping on one leg, how to take baths, and dress myself....actually, it's probably best those moments weren't captured. haha