9 days until I'm on a plane to Uganda....oh....my....word.....

So much to do and so little time!

Ok so, I love the show So You Think You Can Dance. I wish I could dance half as well as the people on the show, but I'm pretty sure I'm missing certain muscles and levels of coolness to ever do that, haha. Anyways, as I was watching a few weeks back there was a dance done about addiction. I thought the dance so great in the way it portrayed the way people become enslaved to addictions and sin. Sin entangles you, breaks you, clouds your vision, draws you in, seems to take control of you, and tears you down. It's crazy that we know it's dangerous and still choose to go to it. I know in my own life I wonder that all the time. And the more I give into a sin the more I become enslaved and numb to the severity of the reality of it all. Watching this dance made me think about my own struggles and how it truly effects my life and those around me. Once you get in so deep it can seem impossible to break free and thoughts of just totally surrendering to it can feel like the easiest way out. Been there, tried that, and it's not the right path. God's gives us freedom and it takes surrender,humility, vulnerability, and complete reliance on our part. I'm so thankful that I serve a God of hope and freedom.

Here's the link to the video, it's worth watching: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1lLWJboraJw&feature=related

He's Never Failing

It's been a while since I've been on here, but hopefully that will change as I get ready to leave for Uganda. In less than 3 months I will be in Uganda. It's hard to comprehend and I honestly don't think about it a whole lot. I think it's in part because I'm excited and don't want to have to think about the wait and in part because I'm nervous because I have no idea what to expect or if I'm cut out for it.

I've been home for almost a month now and still have no job. It's been a frustrating road and it can be hard not to take the rejection personally, but I'm learning that getting upset won't get me anywhere. I just have to pick myself up and try again...and be patient (that's the truly hard part). As much as I know I need a job, I have a peace about it. I'm learning to trust that God has something in store and that it might be found on my first or tenth try.

A huge reason I need a job this summer is to pay for my tuition and expenses for Uganda. All money must be accounted for before I get on that plane in August or I won't be allowed to go. Due to the fact that I'm choosing to go with a program that isn't run by my college, the school is taking away half of my scholarship while I'm gone. When I first found out about that back last fall I was upset but was thankful for the half of the scholarship that remained. I'd been praying that God would provide the money that was being taken away and this spring I received a different scholarship from the religion department and that was a HUGE praise. The scholarship a little more than covered the missing sum but this past week I found out that the scholarship is only worth half of what I was told due to the fact that the money for the scholarship was in the stock market. When I received this news on the phone all I could do was cry and the poor guy on the other end just awkwardly said he was sorry and hung up.

Part of me is tired from the hurtles along this path to Uganda. I even began to question if I all these things were meant as doors closing to Uganda, but as I've prayed about it I've been reminded that God has brought me this far and He'll see me through. He never said it was going to be easy, but He did say to trust Him and to act in faith. He's given me peace and I know I serve a God that is unfailing. The same day I learned that half my scholarship was lost, I got a check from a family member worth 5 x's what was lost. Just when things start to look bad God reminds me to not let go and to remember who's in control.

Where did the time go? No, for real?!

So, this time last year I was ready to go home. I'm ready to go home, but man I'm going to miss people. This year has been pretty great. It's not always been easy, but I know I've grown because of it and I've made friends that I don't want to lose. A friend of mine posted a list like this and I thought it was fun...so I'm going to be a copycat. :)

What I'll miss:
-Dinner and praying as a "family"
-Chasing TDawg with the turtle
-Pastoral Care class, I learned so much
-Random trips off campus-Panera, Notre Dame, Walmart, Ritters, Barnes and Noble
-Walks to the river
-Those awesome discussions that just pop up about life
-Chapel
-my kiddies at the Daycare
-St. Mark Missionary Church
-writing to our "neighbors" in the next building over
-splitting bananas
-laughing...sometimes for no reason at all

Memories:
-Squashed toads
-slip-n-slide, which turned into a mud slide
-Gibberish
-Karaoke/dance party in the President's room
-Atlanta
-Walking to work in the dark to work 3 days a week
-"sound" Frisbee at the river
-Melissa and her roomies' grills + photo shoot
-Fire drill while I was in the shower
-Time in the prayer chapel
-When Marj came to visit
-Swimming in Bethel's ponds. Been there, swam that!
-Road trip to Michigan
-Snowballs busting through our windows
-bird legs/talons

It's been a good year :)

Aches

The weather has been so beautiful lately and I'm taking advantage of it. One of my favorite things to do is go down to the Riverwalk. During these winter months I feel kinda stir-crazy and something within me aches to go there. It's like my getaway and I have days where I long to just be silent and to be alone. It's how I recharge. I think I could sit out by the river all day.

I found out today that Sydney's grandpa died. Sydney is a little girl I watch at the daycare and I've really grown to love her. Her smile radiates from her face and I love the times when she sings and dances around the room. She doesn't care who's watching, she's just herself. My heart hurts so much for her. She may only be 2 1/2 and may not understand what has happened, but she will notice that her grandpa is not around and may watch in confusion as her family cries. Sydney loved her grandpa so much. On many occasions I've caught Sydney using an old boom-box microphone as a telephone and she would pretend to be talking to her grandpa on it.

Life on earth is broken and my heart aches that Sydney will not get to grow up with her grandpa around. She will not remember the sound of his voice and most likely won't remember many of the times she spent with him. She'll get to know him through photos and stories and memories that people share. She'll get to hear about how amazing he was and about how much he loved God. I'm so thankful for that.

It crazy amazing how God can use the pain of others to prepare someone else for what's to come. Little did I know that God was using my friend's dad's funeral to prepare me for another death just 3 days later. My grandpa passed away. It's hard to type that and hard to think about. But it is amazing to see how God evidenced himself through that whole of week craziness. I've never seen my family shaken that much to the core before nor have I seen such raw grief.

Some of the moments from that week are ingrained in my mind. I can see them so clearly. I'll never forget sitting on the edge of my grandpa's hospital bed holding his hands while he labored to breathe. Or how he said, "Hi hon" and "I love you too." I can still hear the sound of the doctor's voice when he gave my family "the talk" later that night in the ICU. I can vividly remember the ICU room and looking at my grandpa in the bed. That week helped me to appreciate and value my family like I never have before.

In the midst of all the hurt, I can't deny how great God is. I know God took my grandpa at just the right time. I know God allowed my uncle to make it all the way from Georgia to see him before he passed. I know God allowed me to be home even though I had school that day. I'm so thankful God let us be there to hold his hands while he passed. God has blessed me with an amazing family that I can't imagine life without.

There will continue to be hard days ahead, no doubt. I will continue to miss my grandpa and his hugs, his laugh, his stories, and hearing him says “I love you hon.” I need time to grieve. I feel like since I’ve been back at school there hasn’t been any time for that. There are times when I just want to sink into the floor and cry. I’m ready to go home and be with my family. I’m ready to cry and let it all out. But I’m so thankful that I am here at school right now and that I have friends that love me. God knows what He’s doing and that takes a lot of pressure off me as I sit back and let Him lead.

In My Life be Lifted High

Some things in life are just plain tough. My friend's dad died of cancer, my dad's business went under, my grandpa is in the hospital but even through all that I know God is good. Life is messy and things get hard. Death, struggles, and suffering are a part of our world. God never intended it to be that way, we live in a broken place. But despite all those things, God's love, faithfulness, compassion, and mercy never fail.

I went to a funeral for my friend's dad this week. It was the most amazing thing I have experienced in such a long time. While there was deep sadness, life was celebrated. It wasn't really a funeral at all, but a celebration of life and God's love. His presence was tangible. Even though people I love had to lose their father, God worked in the situation to touch lives. Even in death, the promise of eternal life and the beginning of eternity with Him was felt. It was a foretaste of heaven.

The life that my friend's dad lived was an encouragement to me and a challenge to trust and live for God in a deeper way. I honestly feel like God used that funeral to prepare me for what would occur just a day later. Stuff in my own life is getting complicated. More people I love hurt and are suffering. I can't fix it and that kills me, but I'm learning to trust God. Laying those burdens before Him not knowing what is to come, but choosing to trust and to rest in His assurance.

Life is fragile and messed up. God never changes so it's all good.