Breathing Room

Another Year

2012-01-01T15:46:00.000-08:00

So last night I went and saw the movie, New Year's Eve, with a friend and during part of the movie Hilary Swank's character gives a little speech about reflection...and it made me freak out a little bit because I hadn't really taken any time to really sit down and think about the past year of my life, haha.

It's always crazy to look back over the past year and to see all the things God brought you through, how He stretched you and taught you things, and about the experiences you had. Most times I'm glad He doesn't fill me in beforehand and that He's not like, "Hey Kristen, just to give you a heads up, I'm to throw this your way/teach you this lesson. Just wanted to give you a heads up." Haha, I think it would probably make life seem more daunting or I would probably freak out given my tendency to stress/worry. In all things, God is so good. Even in the hard and challenging things.

While my life does not look anything like I thought it would at this point, I'm so thankful for where I am and for what I'm learning. I'm learning not to wait for the "adventure" in my life start, because the adventure of life is the here and now. We need to live intentionally and not get swept away and just get by by merely existing.

2011 was a great year. Here's a few events that made it memorable:

-Was an RA in the freshmen ladies' dorm at my college. What a crazy, wonderful adventure.
-Graduated college.
-Graduated college jobless...a true test for me to trust God, haha, especially during the times when I was not chosen for positions I truly wanted. Seeing that God had other plans for me.
-Moved back home and was given the opportunity to spend more time with my family.
-Getting a job at Senior Helpers- meeting a wonderful 87 year old woman, getting to know her, and then getting to be a part of the last 4 months of her life. I still miss her. Seeing the beauty and value of those with Alzheimer's. God's purpose for our lives does not stop even when we forget who we are/lose our ability to function in a daily capacity.
-Started attending a new church
-Got a job working with Kindergartners. They are stinkin' hilarious and I love hearing their outlooks/perceptions on life.
-Realizing the beauty and also the struggles that come with having friends spread out all over the world.

It's a new year. I don't know what's store, but that's part of what makes life fun. I'm hopeful.

He makes beautiful things out of us.

2011-06-20T21:24:00.000-07:00

I recently got a job as a companion for an elderly woman who battles Alzheimer's among a couple other debilitating diseases. I get to spend a several hours with her five nights a week and it's taught me a lot already. This might be the hardest job I've had so far. It makes my heart hurt.

There are many nights my heart aches for the sweet lady I spend time with. She used to be a professor who taught English and History and she invested so much of her life in the students she taught. She's even had a dorm named after her at a local university. She married her high-school sweetheart and although she no longer knows how long she's been married, she's still crazy about him. You ask her about her husband and a squinty-eyed smile breaks across her face. She never had any children, but she loves her family and constantly asks where her sister Mary and her 3 younger brothers are.

She lives in an Alzheimer's unit in a nursing home now and spends a lot of time napping and walking laps around her hall. I help her eat dinner and then we find things to do before she heads to bed. Some of my nights with her are great, other nights are a real struggle, but most nights are a mix of both. I love hearing about her life yet it kills me to watch her really struggle to find the words she wants to say. She knows what she wants to say, yet most times jumbled fragments and made up words come out and she's left frustrated. There are other times when I'll ask her questions and she looks straight past me and doesn't respond, as if I'm not even there.

Alzheimer's is taking a firm hold on her ability to function. Sometimes it brings out the angry side of her and she'll snap at me and five seconds later she's fine and is apologizing to me. After the first couple evenings I spent with her, I grieved for her. I can't imagine what it must be like to suffer from Alzheimer's and to live in a constant state of confusion. I grieved because I looked at her and saw how profound an impact her life has had, and now she sits in a nursing home and sleeps much of her days away. I grieved because she's not allowed to visit her husband who also lives in the nursing home for various reasons.

One night after she had been laying in bed for a few minutes she started to doze off then reached out her hand to take what she thought was her husband's hand beside her and then she realized that no one was there. That night made me cry. As I drove home I prayed for her and starting asking God why things like this happen. It was during that talk with God that He started showing me the beauty of her life, even now. While she may not be teaching in a university, she is teaching me and the nurses things every day. She brings joy. Other times interactions with her are times to work on having patience and learning what it means to really listen. I'm humbled that God has given me the opportunity to serve this woman who spent so much of her life serving those around her.

She is beautiful and God is using her daily, even if she doesn't realize it.

Journeying On

2011-05-19T20:29:00.000-07:00

So I'm almost 3 weeks into summer vacation and nothing has changed job-wise since the last time I wrote on here. Honestly, I've been very discouraged. Deep in my heart I feel the urgency to "go" and want so much to just go live abroad, but that is not looking like a reality at this time in my life. I know that is a God-given desire and He will use it, but I also know that this time of waiting and journeying on here in the States is so valuable. Last semester I heard on several different occasions that life isn't so much about the destination, but the journey. I feel like this is proving to be so true.

Today I met with a mission organization and it became clear that financially there was no way that I could sign on and work there presently. All staff have to raise support even if it's just to work in the home office. While my heart hurts, I left encouraged and reminded of God's faithful provision and love. During my interview I got to connect with someone who spent 10+ yrs in a hiring position and even though he could not offer me a job today, He gave me encouragement and offered to help me as I continue to seek out God's plan. There was also a young woman who was in my interview and she asked me to stay in touch and she wants to do a book study of sorts together. Both of them told me they would make a point to continually pray for me. Wow. What a blessing. God is moving, providing, and continuing to refine and stretch me.

As reality is setting in that I may not find my dream job for months or for even a few years from now, I'm reminded not to run away from life. Remember that little kid's story of "Going on a bear hunt....?" In the story you hit tall grass, rivers, and other terrain and for every scenario it is decided you can't "go over or around it" but that you gotta go through it. Part of me wants to run from this hard time of waiting, but that's not the right answer. I gotta go through it and I'm not losing hope. The lesson I learned last semester of having a willing and whatever/wherever attitude has replayed in my mind a lot lately. Am I really willing to go or stay wherever God asks me to and to do whatever God asks of me? I'm praying for a surrendered spirit, that's for sure, and it will take daily surrender. Part of that prayer of surrender entails not asking God to join me in my plans and ideas, but that I can be a part of what He's already doing.

We have to remember Who holds us, Who goes before us, Who loves us unconditionally, and Who knows all things. Nothing is too big for Him. Not our debts, our weaknesses, nor our mistakes.

Praise God.

Actively Waiting

2011-01-25T13:11:00.000-08:00

Actively waiting....not words that I often put together, but I should. I know I wrote in my last post that I'm not sure where I'll be after I graduate, and that still hasn't changed. It seems I need daily reminders to just wait on His timing.

Yesterday I went to the prayer chapel to just sit, pray, and listen. As I prayed I told God how much I desire to know the next step- I wanted to know where He is taking me. After sitting in silence for several minutes I have to admit that I started to grow frustrated and upset. Why wasn't He talking? Then a humbling realization hit me- who am I to put parameters on God and to tell Him that me needs to answer me right away? Who am I to tell God what to do and to tell Him the timeline in which He should do it?

As I continued to sit and pray for God to forgive me for my attitude, He did direct my attention back to a conversation I had with someone last week. The conversation was about actively waiting. While I may not know what life after May 1st will hold, I can actively and obediently wait. Actively waiting requires that I continue to serve, to love, to pray, to worship, to obey, and that I continue to seek to know God more.

He already knows all the answers and outcomes. He knows my heart- better than I could ever understand it myself. I have to trust that He is a good God and that HE KNOWS what's best. I need to stop being a control freak and let go of the reins.

Step Back and Take a Look

2011-01-11T14:43:00.002-08:00

I'm almost a week into my last semester of college. Whoa. People ask if I'm excited...and in some respects yes, but in other ways it makes me want to panic, haha. I have no leads for after college yet and I'm trying to learn to be ok with that. I know I shouldn't just sit back and expect God to instantly drop something in my lap and that I need to take some initiative, trusting Him and listening for His voice. Easier said than done some days.

I got to talk to a missionary from Africa Inland Mission this week and what he had to say both encouraged and challenged me. As we talked he could sense that I'm struggling with being fully surrendered to God and trusting His plan instead of my own. He was completely right. God's been allowing me to be in those situations a lot lately- where I feel like a mirror is being held up and parts of me that need to be continually refined are brought to the surface. A lot of times it makes me want to cringe- it's not always fun to face those messy areas, but crazily enough, it's been exciting at the same time. I feel a sense of longing deep inside for change and for growth.

Part of that "looking into the mirror" happened a lot over break. It was a break filled with reunions and I loved it. Seeing friends from high school, my best friends growing up, youth group friends, family, and some of my friends from my semester in Uganda. All of these people have helped shape me and have played an important role in my life. Just to give an example, seeing my friends that I studied abroad with was so refreshing. It was awesome to talk back through our experiences, our lives since being home- sharing both the good and the hard things. There was just something special about being with them- it's like they helped breathe life into me. I left refreshed and reminded of many of the things God showed me during my time in Uganda.

Stepping back and "looking into the mirror" can expose parts of you you didn't realize were there. God can use it to show you areas He wants to mend, to refine, to change, to replace. It's also amazing when those moments reveal to you the ways in which others have touched your lift and how they have left their imprint.

Seeking a whatever attitude

2010-11-15T21:53:00.000-08:00

Well it's been about forever....I've thought about writing on here many times but haven't taken the time to sit and write my thoughts out.

This semester has been absolutely nuts, but I love it. I'm learning a lot- about God, about life, about people, and about myself. After coming back from Uganda I never pictured myself as a senior in college living in a freshmen ladies' dorm. I'm not gonna lie it's crazy at times, but I honestly love it and getting to know the ladies on my floor has been so worth it. They are wonderful.

I've caught myself lately worrying about my next step after Bethel. Thinking about it makes my heart race and I have no idea which direction God will lead me in. God has shown me time and time again this semester that I need to have a "whatever" attitude. Not a whatever attitude in the sense that I don't care, but a whatever attitude in the sense that I will do whatever God asks, go wherever He leads, and do it whenever He asks me to. For a long time I thought I was surrendered to God in those areas....but then He showed me that wasn't the case. I was putting parameters on my obedience. While I was saying I'll go and do whatever God asked me to...in the back of my mind it was more like "I'll do "whatever" and go "wherever" as long as it's in the places I want to go.

That reality check really smacked me in the face. God is constantly reminding me that His plans are great and that I can trust Him, and yet I get scared and try to rely on myself. It's a daily process of surrender. While this area of growth is hard, it is SO worth it. I feel Him preparing me for another season of change and I desire to follow Him through it.

Recently I was reading in Isaiah 40. A big part of that chapter talks about God's greatness.

"Who has measured the waters in the hollow of his hand,
or with the breadth of his hand marked off the heavens?
Who has held the dust of the earth in a basket,
or weighed the mountains on the scales
and the hills in a balance?
Who can fathom the Spirit of the LORD,
or instruct the LORD as his counselor?....

Surely the nations are like a drop in a bucket;
they are regarded as dust on the scales;
he weighs the islands as though they were fine dust...

The LORD is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.
He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.
Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;
but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint. "

The God of the universe, who is capable of things we cannot even fathom, holds us. He knows it all- sees us inside and out. He sees the big picture. He's got us covered. I find so much comfort in that.

Dare to Dream

2010-08-01T19:09:00.000-07:00

Do you dream big? I've been asking myself this question a lot in the last few weeks. I had a conversation with a friend a few weeks back and we talked about something they did to help someone someone else and while talking about it they responded, "Yeah, that was back when I thought I could change the world." This statement has stuck with me and has set unsettled in my mind. Why do we so often tell ourselves that we can't be a part of great things that God wants to put in motion?

I know fear and doubt often creep in when we start to question those things or when we shut ourselves down. I'm definitely guilty of it. I often question what I feel God calling me to and refrain from dreaming big. But seriously, we serve the Creator of the universe and NOTHING is too big for Him. I think apathy and complacency are also culprits when it comes to our lack of dreaming big with God and then acting. It makes my heart hurt. God gave us the gifts, resources, and passions He did for a reason.

Lately, I've been blessed to interact with several Christians who are dreaming big. There is a pastor that I met during my time in India this summer and he is faithfully praying bold prayers for God to move and provide. He and his wife are operating two orphanages while raising their own daughters. This pastor opens up his 8x10 living space every Sunday to about 50 faithful believers who gather to worship every Sunday. This man faces persecution and receives little encouragement from his community. He recently emailed me and asked me to pray that God will provide land for him to build a church to minister to 5,000 people. That's dreaming big and praying boldly in faith.

I heard from another Indian missionary tonight who lives on a small island off the coast of Southern India. They recently completed their training center to raise up and disciple Christians. It's taken them 10 yrs to complete it and this building has been a dream for about 30 years. This man has also faced persecution, has watched previous meeting places get burned to the group, and has now built a Christian training center on an island that is considered the 2nd holiest site in for many Hindus. The journey has not been easy, but he has not given up and has been willing to follow God's promptings. You could see his passion and emotion as he spoke about what God is doing in India.

Their passion is almost contagious. It's moved me and made me realize that I want that same kind of passion when it comes to seeking God and living out my faith. It's stirring my heart and making me restless because it makes me so excited.

How often do we allow ourselves to dream BIG dreams and/or pray bold prayers in faith? What do you see when you allow yourself to dream big? Does it scare you? Does it make you pumped? Are you already doubting it could happen and talking yourself out of it?

God's ways are higher than ours and He may call us to things that we never imagined, but it is so worth it. It will require that we lean on Someone else for strength, guidance, provision, vision, and so much more.

Come awake Church, come awake.

God break our hearts for what breaks Yours and plant big dreams in our hearts.

Break My Heart for What Breaks Yours

2010-06-23T20:09:00.000-07:00

So I'm really good at waiting months in between posts. I thought I was going to bed but my mind won't shut off, so I here I sit, in the dark in my room, haha. The biggest thing that's been taking up my brain waves lately has been India. I went on a short there earlier this month and there's so much I could say about what I experienced there. I'll break it into several posts so that I don't write a ginormous novel.

Going into the trip I worried that I might not connect with the place/people like I did with Uganda and wondered if I could feel as at home in another country. God quickly alleviated my fears and as I sat looking out window of our bus as we drove to our hotel. So much of it did remind me of Uganda- the landscape, red dirt, people sitting outside their homes and businesses, the welcoming and generous aspects of the people, the ability to simply be with one another, and the contrast of "progress" and "poverty." It seemed familiar to me and I was quickly reminded of the questions I dealt with during my semester in Uganda. Questions concerning poverty, wondering where the solutions begin, trying to seek God's answers and heart in it all, and the feeling of tension came back.

Throughout the week I worked at Comeback Childrens' Home in Bangalore. I had no idea what to expect as we pulled up to the home on our first day. This children's home is right smack dab in the middle of the hustle and bustle of the slums of Bangalore and one could easily walk past it not knowing what the small home was used for. I'll never forget walking into the building on the first day and seeing 8 sets of eyes looking up at me. The next few days with them were filled with games, songs, Bible lessons, memory verses, crafts, snacks, taking pictures, and trying to love on them as much as I could. It sure kept me on my feet and I remember praying at night, "Lord, fill me up so that you can pour me out. Let them see Your love." And He answered that prayer every day. He is so faithful.

Keep On Keepin' On

2010-05-10T21:37:00.000-07:00

So, I've been meaning to update this blog for awhile now. There's a lot running through my mind and since I stink at journaling, so I'll get in down here (especially since my pen can't keep up with my thoughts).

Another semester is under my belt and I sit here in disbelief (a common occurrence nowadays). This semester has been challenging, confusing, and great. Something that thought about a lot this semester is the idea of home. At this stage in my life, I don't know where "home" is. Ok, so I know Heaven is home, but I'm not there yet, haha. I've had a feeling of homelessness, so to speak, and although it's been confusing, it's not a bad feeling. It just is. Is Greenwood home? What about Uganda or Bethel College? It's been a good reminder of what Jesus talks about in Matthew 8. In this life, He may call me to all kinds of places and all kinds of communities and while I may not have a sense of "home," that's ok.

Thinking about all this over the semester also brought thoughts about community. Not gonna lie, during the first 10 or so minutes I was driving away from Bethel for the summer, I cried. It was that "leaving summer camp feeling" or "time to go home from a sleepover" feeling I used to get in middle school...if that makes any sense. Over the past year my community has changed almost every 3-4 months. Last school year I was building stronger relationships with friends at school, then summer came and I came back to friends and family in Greenwood, then I headed to Uganda for 4 months to an entire new community of people both North American and Ugandan, then I came back to the Bethel community but time passed and things changed after not being on campus for 8 months, and now I'm back in Greenwood again. It's like I start to get settled then things are shaken up again. I have people I love all over the world, which is awesome. Dealing with change is not a strength of mine, which is funny to me, considering where I sense God leading me in life. When I am weak, He is strong. God is showing me every step of the way how faithful He is. He's always constant and the changes I experience are not things to fear.

I'm still discovering how I've been growing and changing in the last year. Coming back to school in the U.S. this semester, I knew I was different. I could pin-point a few things that had changed right off the bat, but there was still that sense of not being able to fully put my finger on all of them. They are showing up little by little and the light bulb in my head goes off. Some of the changes I've realized seem crazy to me as I think back to who I was a year ago. The way I look at things, some things I held as important, things that once brought me comfort, and certain understandings have changed. It may not seem like a big deal, but it amazes me.

Time Flies On

2010-03-24T18:37:00.000-07:00

Wow. It's been two months, I didn't realize that much time had past since I last wrote on this blog. It's hard for me to keep track of time these days, seriously. I cannot believe I've been home from Uganda for a little more than 3 months now. Really? I still think about Uganda at least once a day. I think about the my family, the kids in my town that followed me home after school almost everyday, about my rural home stay family, the beauty of the simple things, sitting on the veranda watching the sun set and the stars come out, going on little excursions with Denise on the weekends we were home, IMME trips, my classes, the community I lived in and experienced. I'm trying not to romanticize the time I spent there, because it was definitely hard at times and I was pushed in many new ways, but I honestly loved it. You may be reading this and thinking, "Gosh, Kristen it's been 3 months, move on already." But those 4 months changed me, maybe not in huge ways, but it's ingrained in me. I'm different.

I'm learning to live in the present. I used to be the type of person that counted down until the next "big thing" came whether it be the weekend or a break. I also used to try to cling to past and would miss out on life here and now as I wished my time away. I don't think that way anymore and it's freeing. I look at life differently and my priorities have changed. Sure that shift has made focusing on school hard at times, but I'm here for a reason.

I still don't know where God is leading me in the future, but I have peace I'm in the right place right now and I have peace about the future. I could worry about it and have been scared that God is calling me to do things I would deem terrifying and uncomfortable, but I'm reminded of the one I serve. I think many of us have been guilty of thinking that God will only call us into safe situations and that He'll give us all the desires of our heart. In reality, God may call us into situations we would want to run from and some of the desires we have may not match up with the awesome plan He has. God is so good. His timing is perfect.

My Heart Goes Out

2010-01-20T17:20:00.000-08:00

The devastation that has ravaged Haiti is HUGE. Since the initial earthquake, there have been at least 40 aftershocks and there could be more to come. I can't even begin to imagine what going through that would be like. I've read stories, watched video clips, and have looked through so many pictures. My heart hurts. Part of me wants to be like, "Forget school, let's go help!" I'm thankful for all the rescue teams and missionaries that are sticking through it to help those facing devastating, life changing loss. Children are orphaned. Families have been shattered. Homes and businesses lost. Food and water are scarce. Violence and looting have been the cry of desperation.

I keep trying to comprehend what's really happened and what's currently going on. I've been encouraged and challenged by the stories I've heard. Instead of forsaking and turning their backs on God, many Haitians are putting their trust in Him and they continue to praise Him. God has been, is, and will be faithful. Some wonder how a loving God could let this happen. While God may have permitted this to happen, I do know that each and every life lost and affected matters to Him. Each one. He can bring good from the darkest of situations. Think about your own life. Can you think back on some of the hardest times you've gone through and see how God has used them? Those things shape you and God can use them. Have there been people you've been able to help/encourage because of what you've experienced? God can use any situation.

Deep inside I want to be in Haiti to walk beside someone who is hurting or to hold a scared child. But tonight I sit in the library...not motivated to do homework. But I can pray- pray for those who are hurting, those who are facing tragic loss, weary volunteers, and for strength for all to carry on. It's also a time to remember those who are hurting, lonely, and those who are facing battles in their own lives that we encounter every day.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MM-6rm1t9vY

"...the times you're hurting, the times that you heal, the times you go hungry and are tempted to steal, in times of confusion and chaos and pain. He's there in your sorrow...He's there through your heartache, He' there in the storm, His love will keep you by His power alone."

Looking Back

2010-01-17T19:52:00.000-08:00

Just a few of my videos from my time in Uganda and Rwanda:

This was during our ride to be dropped off at our homestays.

My first big rain storm in Mukono. This one scared me, but I grew to love them.

During our time in Rwanda, we went to some local churches. Betty was our translator. She's such a beautiful, joyful person. This is Betty singing Amazing Grace in the van after church.

Karen (my cousin) and her friends Faith and Keith dancing. This was during my rural home stay in Kapchorwa.

I visited my mom's primary school one day. Her class sang to me :)

Lately

2010-01-07T18:56:00.000-08:00

So it's been a couple weeks since I've posted and I went from being home on break back to college life. It all feels surreal and sometimes Uganda seems like a dream. It's been a weird stage to be in. I love being with my family and friends at home but at the same time I deeply miss my family and friends in Uganda. Too bad life isn't more like Startrek and we could be instantly transported to other places. "Beam me up, Jesus!" Ok so it doens't work that way....haha.

Coming back to school has been a roller coaster of emotions. It's awesome to get reconnected with my friends that I missed so much while I was gone. But it's also strange to step back into a life I haven't experienced in 8 months. Classes started today and I found myself feeling so distant and missing Uganda. I'm trying my best to be present and to stay tuned in with the here and now. I shouldn't live in the past b/c I'll miss what's right in front of me, but I need to learn how to incorporate all I learned and experienced in Uganda into the person I am now.

A word that we heard a lot in the beginning and end of our program was tension. That word has continued to pop in situations I find myself in, thoughts I have, and in questions I'm trying to find answers to. Tension isn't always a bad thing and it's usually present in times of change.

Tension.

Being tempted to slide back into my old ways and knowing the person God is calling me to be.

Tension.

Seeing and experiencing issues that seem hopeless and wondering what my role is.

Tension.

Coming home to wonderful friends and family, yet missing those I grew to love in Uganda.

Tension.

Seeking God's heart for His direction and knowing that those answers usually aren't instant.

Tension.

Wanting so badly to hold onto all I saw and those I met in Uganda, yet it's starting to feel like a dream.

Tension.

HIV/AIDS. Poverty. Starvation and Malnutrition. Watching a man who was dying in a hospital. Orphans. Corruption. Learning about those issues and putting real faces to them and also realizing there are people facing the same issues back home.

Tension.

Trying to figure out what is the best way to help and yet wondering if our methods are hurting those we seek to aid.

Tension.

Trying to apply presence, community, hospitality, real compassion, and a slower pace of life in a place where things tend to be much of the opposite.

Tension.

Getting to see God's heart and knowing He was in and working in all those situations before I knew of them. Knowing He has a plan, for good.

Hope.

Back Home Again in Indiana

2009-12-19T07:55:00.000-08:00

So after 3 days of travel, 20ish hours on a plane and 24 hrs worth of layovers, I'm home. Getting home sure was a journey. I was supposed to get home late Wednesday night but things did not go as planned. Danielle, Kristina, and I boarded the plane and sat there for over an hour only to be told that a hydraulic part of the plane was not working right...so flying was a no go. Not gonna lie, at that point I was super tired and frustrated. We went back inside and were given hotel rooms at the Hilton and tickets home for the next day. I went from Uganda to the Hilton and it was a shock. They put me in a room with two beds, a flat screen tv, 2 telephones, a flushing toilet (complete with TP), and a shower. I didn't know what to do with myself, so I took my first American shower and slept.

Being home feels surreal. I think I'm starting to feel the first bits of "homelessness." I understand that I'm "home" but home doesn't quite feel the same. It's been awesome getting to see my family. I drove for the first time in 4 months yesterday... and I didn't die! Awesome. I woke up at 5:30 this morning and was starving and realized that it was 1:30 pm aka lunch time in Uganda. This was a funny and sad realization and I ate a handful of peanuts and went back to bed.

Today was not a day to rest and I got up and went to the travel doctor. I got checked out head to toe and was sent to the hospital to get bloodwork done. I also got sent home with not one but THREE stool samples to fill, no joke. They gave me some awesome "hats" to fill....oh and get this, I have to turn in the samples within one hour of filling them, if you get what I'm saying and I'm not allowed to do them all at one time. I get to dump and run three times this week, haha.

It's not that kinda "hat."

Hello, Goodbye

2009-12-10T01:45:00.000-08:00

So this is my last post from Uganda…crazy.

Our farewell party is tonight. Tomorrow they pick up our things. Saturday we leave for Entebbe and then we fly out on Tuesday night. And THEN I touch down in Indy late on Wednesday.

I’m going to miss Uganda, but I’m going to miss my new family and friends even more. Today as Denise and I walked to school the little kids (the posse) ran up to us and they held our hands (or whatever they could reach) as we walked up the hill to school. As I walked with them it really hit me that I only have today and tomorrow with them and my my family. I’m really going to miss it. Uganda is a beautiful place. This has been a great experience and I don’t want to leave it at that. I want to apply what I’ve learned to my life back in the U.S.

But I’m pumped to come back to the U.S. It will be amazing to see family and friends that I’ve missed so much this semester. I’m looking forward to my first U.S. shower, flushing a toilet, and eating a lot of vegetables, for real, haha. I’m nervous about driving again after not sitting in a driver’s seat for about 4 months and living in a place where I’ve gotten accustomed to being on the left side of the road. I’m so excited for Christmas and being with family. I’m also really excited to go to the travel doctor and see if there’s anything new living in my body (which I’m pretty sure there is). Not gonna lie, I think it would be awesome to be able to say that I’ve had an amoeba/parasite, haha.

So in 6 days and in 3 flights from now I’ll be back. I’m interested to see what shocks me about being back, besides the freezing cold. I may look like a tourist in my own country for a day or so. So if I do or say funny things, feel free to laugh at me, haha.

And Mom if you read this, don’t forget my winter coat!

Life...ba da ba ba ba, I'm lovin' it (Get it? It's like the McD's commercial...)

2009-12-06T21:50:00.000-08:00

I think I'm starting a new trend in my life...writing blogs and putting off my work. Oh wait a second, I've done this my whole life, haha.

Today is offically my last Monday at UCU and I'm heading in the last week with my family. I'm not sure what to think about it. While I'm excited to go home, I'm nervous. Nervous about the transitions back into the culture, nervous about things that have changed while I've been gone. But worrying won't get me anywhere, so I'm going to go with the flow when I get back and take things a step at a time.

If you would have asked me 3 months ago if I would be sad to leave Uganda I probably would have said no and I never would have believed I would have gotten to the opposite extreme. I'm not counting down the days anymore because I know how short a time I have left. I've been reminded about how I almost always count down to things. I'm always looking forward to the next big thing that I forget to live each day fully. But as for the rest of my time here, I want to focus on the here and now. Home will come soon enough.

Last night we had 10 visitors from the Anglican church over to our house for tea and dinner. Three of them were from the UK and had gone to a Christmas Program in Kampala. Denise, my sister Judith, and I helped serve while our brothers hid outside in the dark waiting to be fed, trying to avoid any interaction with the visitors.

Things like this make me love my Ugandan family. I love the way my mom is so quiet but she has a funny, stubborn side. Yesterday she got tired of our dad being on the phone so when he wasn't looking, she hid it. He was searching the house for it and she didn't say a thing, haha. I love the way my dad talks about how we can show our future in-laws our Ugandan hospitality/cooking skills and how we should kneel for our parents in the airport when we get home. I love talking with my brother Brian, chasing him down the hallway at our house, and listening to him sing throughout the day. I love being with my sister Judith, listening to her laugh, and just talking about random things with her. I love watching my brother Simon rock out to music videos when he thinks no one is watching and the high pitched voice he uses when he talks to us. I love when our cousin Defus comes home each night on our family's boda boda and knowing that he'll be taking care of the chickens every morning when I get up.

Life here is great and I’m soakin’ it in. Family and friends back home, I love and miss you. See you soon :)

Reaching the peak- throw your hands up

2009-11-30T04:59:00.000-08:00

So 16 days until I fly home....crazy! I'm at the stage where I'm super excited to go home but where I'm loving Uganda (minus the writing papers part, haha). I feel like I'm climbing the top to the peak of the roller coaster and about to fly down the other side. Once I get all my papers down...the sliding down the other side with my arms in the air starts. Last night Denise and I made dinner for our family. Denise is a great cook and we made homemade tortillas, 2 kilograms of meat (I have no idea how much that is in pounds, haha), homemade refried beans, spanish rice, guacamole, toppings for our tacos (lettuce and tomatoes), and fresh pineapple. We cooked it all on two small charcoal stoves- it kinda felt like we were camping. Anyways, our meal was a hit and I'm pretty sure our family was shocked that we could actually cook something edible. They saved the leftovers for breakfast and lunch today, haha.

Tomorrow (Dec. 1st) is World AIDS Day. We've been learning a lot about HIV/AIDS here at school and the sermon at church yesterday was dedicated to it. Everyone is Uganda has been affected by AIDS, whether they themselves are battling it or have a family member or friend living with it or that has passed away. AIDS is a monster that is wiping out a huge section of the young adult/middle age generation leaving many children behind. You've got grandparents raising their grandchildren or child-headed homes. Last Friday I went on a fieldtrip to Mildmay hospital where they treat HIV/AIDS patients. It was a Muslim holiday so there were no patients coming in for treatment but we did get to see the children's ward. That was tough, especially knowing that those children got HIV/AIDS from their mothers or through sexual abuse. Treatment at Mildmay is free, which I think is awesome because medical treatment is not an attainable thing for many low income families, especially when ARVs are needed.

So I'm not sure how much everyone knows about the conflict that has gone on in northern Uganda and southern Sudan considering the LRA, child soldiers, and Joseph Kony, but it's terrible. If you want to learn more you should check out www.invisiblechildren.com. Anyways, the church I attend in Kampala brought in women from Gulu who had all been abducted by the LRA as small girls and that were all HIV positive. One woman was named Evelynn. She was a beautiful 27 year old woman who revealed to us that she had been abducted when she was 12 yrs old. She was given to a much older man as a wife and she had 3 of his children. This man was Joseph Kony. For real, this woman had been one of Joseph Kony's wives while she was kept there in captivity for 11 years. One of her children was lost during the war and a second child was lost during their escape. She doesn't know whether that child is dead or alive. It was amazing to see how God had transformed her life and how He's healing all the hurt she endured. One of the officials of Gulu came and spoke as well saying that millions and millions of dollars have been poured into Gulu...but that most of it has not brought about change. Sure you can build a community center but what good is it if you don't address the emotional and spiritual needs of broken people?

On a lighter note it's grasshopper season here and last week it looked like the plague. Children here go nuts and run around hunting them down...to fry and eat. Apparently they are really good, but I haven't had the chance to try them, so sad. Not, haha. Those things fly around and hit you in the face and I'm not going to lie they are terrifying in the squatty potties as you pray that they don't fly on you while you're in there. Our family's cat found a dead chicken into the house the other night. It was gross and smelled worse than it looked as the cat was chewing on it. My brother Brian and I collaborated and we've named the cat Stupid (Brian's contribution) Kevin (my idea). So Stupid Kevin once again is on bad terms with my family.

I can tell I've been in Uganda for a while. I've worn my flip-flop Teva's all the way through the soles. I've tried duck tape to repair them...but they leak really bad when it rains, haha. Oh well, I got my money out of them and have walked many many miles in them in the past 3 and a half-ish months.

Remembering

2009-11-24T23:13:00.001-08:00

A year ago today I lost my Grandpa Hopewell. I can't believe how quickly that year has gone by, but I remember that day so clearly in my mind. It's was probably one of the hardest days that I've experienced, but I wouldn't have chosen to be anywhere else than besides that hospital room. I still remember that the last thing he said to me was " I love you hon."

I still remember the sound of his voice, his laugh, hugging him every Tuesday night after our weekly dinners, and hearing him yell at sports games on TV. I miss it. I miss his stories, his stubborn, funny personality, and just being with him.

I also remember realizing the week that he died how important my family is and how thankful I am for them. I remember being so thankful for the friends who listened to my constant phone calls and for those who came to be with me that week.

I remember praying so hard that week that my grandpa would be healed. And he was, just not in the way that I intended. God is good, merciful, loving, compassionate, and His plans are right. I'm thankful that my grandpa is fully healed and no longer suffering. I'm most thankful that death for believers isn't goodbye, but see you in a little while.

More than Pilgrim hats and Turkey

2009-11-22T23:38:00.000-08:00

So I should be working on my ethics paper right now…but I’d rather do this. (shh, don’t tell my professor) To redeem myself a little, I already finished one paper this morning, so I deserve a break, right?

This past weekend our IMME group drove more than 6 hours to the Rakai district (where they believe HIV/AIDS may have originated) near the border of Tanzania to Kibale. We stayed at the Kibale Community Center and got to hear about the ministry of the missionaries there. It was a great weekend and we had a lot of down time, which was super nice. I feel like I’ve been going non-stop since August. It was great to just hang out with friends. I’m so thankful for everyone in the IMME group. It’s sad that we’ll be heading in all directions in about 3 weeks, but I’m also thankful that I’ll get to see my family and friends.

Thanksgiving is this week and we’re celebrating here at UCU. All the students in the program and staff are gathering for our own Thanksgiving. I’m excited. : ) So in this time of remembering what I’m thankful for, here’s a quick run-down (because Thanksgiving is about more than construction paper pilgrims hats, turkeys, food comas, and football):

*Those back home who take the time to check in with me, it means a lot.
*My friends and family
*Watching the sun rise every morning as I get ready for school
*Going home each night to my wonderful family
*My mom’s matooke- I really like that stuff now
*The little kids in my village that are just as excited to see us now as they were 3 months ago
*Squatty potties, for real they’re great
*Watching La Tormenta with my brother Brian (crazy Spanish soap-opera dubbed over in English)
*Random trips into Kampala
*The fact that it rains almost every day-I love watching the storms roll in
*Banana, pineapple smoothies
*That I haven’t died riding in the taxis here or been hit by a car when I run across busy roads
*For all that I’ve learned this semester
*Washing machines, showers, microwaves, and Boy Meets World re-runs
*Laughing
*That I’m not being given up on despite my shortfalls and mistakes

Ok time to write paper number 2 for today...

Random Thoughts

2009-11-15T21:39:00.000-08:00

*I can now catch a taxi, ride it to Kampala, and I know how to make it stop, haha. (you either yell "conductor" or tap the inside of the taxi)

*Taxis are nuts- the taxi I took yesterday hit 2 other taxis and didn't even stop.

*Getting lost walking around Kampala isn't a big deal and doesn't scare me anymore.

*I now say "mmmmm" (the Ugandan way) for yes instead of "mhmmm"

*Elderly Ugandans always make me smile

*Ugandan women are beautiful no matter what their age. They do so much, work so hard, and do what they can for their families- I have a lot of respect for them.

*I'm learning to embrace my "mzungu"(white person) title, but I still like to shout "Oleyotia, moodu gavu!"(Hello, black man) back at the boda boda drivers that call me mzungu- don't worry, they laugh.

*It feels weird to wear jeans b/c it actually shows that I have 2 legs....starting to really enjoy skirts.

*There are nominal Christians wherever you go.

*There are so many more Muslims in Ugandan that I ever thought. Sometimes I can hear the mosque's call to prayer from my house.

*I can now cross the busy main roads w/o running and screaming every time. It's like a real-life game of Frogger.

*When I hear the word "toilet" I automatically think of a squatty potty.

*I get really excited when I hear American songs on the radio even if they're old songs from the '80s and '90s that I never liked before.

*I look forward to eating my mom's matooke for dinner. My favorite soup to put on top is cowpea soup....they are like peas

*I miss working out. Once when I was doing sit-ups on my bedroom floor my mom walked in and said, "Eghhhh Kristen, you want to kill yourself?" haha

*Cups are a necessity for washing hair when bucket bathing.

*It sometimes feels weird to see other "mzungus" in town, especially in Mukono.

*When I eat "American" style food now, it really messes me up. Adjusting back home will sure be an adventure, haha.

*I wish the U.S. had Fanta Passion (passion fruit soda). It's my fave.

*I'm starting to like Top Up (runny ketchup wannabe) over Heinz.

*Even babies over here can bust a move- they've completely got me beat.

Sticking with It

2009-11-09T22:32:00.000-08:00

So life is good. I feel like I'm finally comfortable...it took 2 months, but hey, at least it's happened. I realized how little time I actually have left here and I'm really trying to make the most of each day. I'm reminded that I only get to live this life once and there aren't redos. This has been one of the most stretching things I've ever done. It hasn't always been easy, but I'm so thankful for this experience. There have been times where I have been so frustrated. I got tired of sticking out everywhere I went and having eyes follow me, comments yelled across the street, and being called mzungu.
There were times when I'd sit and pray and God seemed silent and so far away. This frustration brought me to tears but I continued to pray and through it I was reminded that God is God and that He's present even when I don't feel it. I think that period of frustration caused me to seek Him deeper as I searched for His heart. God showed me how much I truly, desperately need Him every day. I can't imagine life without a relationship with Him. God's ways are higher than ours and so are His thoughts. He's loving, compassionate, and knows us better than we know ourselves. This may all kinda seem like "Duh, Kristen." but I really had to be reminded of that.

“I'm getting into you
Because you got to me,
in a way words can't describe
I'm getting into you
Because I've got to be
You're essential to survive
I'm going to love you with my life
He said, I love you and that's
what you are getting yourself into.”

-Relient K (Getting into You)

Kapchorwa aka Awesomeness (I think I just made up a word, oh well)

2009-11-04T23:16:00.000-08:00

So it's been awhile and a lot has happened. I wish I could fill you in on everything that's happened in the past 2-ish weeks but that would take super long and you probably wouldn't want to read it all, haha.

Well Kapchorwa was absolutely beautiful- mountains, cliffs, waterfalls, and most importantly some of the nicest people you'll meet. Ok, so Mukono isn't the Uganda they show you on TV or on National Geographic, but driving to Kapchorwa I totally felt like I was seeing those previously seen images- round huts with grass roofs, beautiful women carrying water on their heads while carrying babies on their backs, and hills with mountains in the distance.

I ended doing this home stay solo which I was both nervous and excited about, but my worries quickly faded. I got dropped off at my home stay late due to rain and stuck vehicles. So I meet my father, Patrick, and we start hiking up these giant hills in the dark in our gum boots. Not gonna lie, I was so proud of myself for not falling.

My family was wonderful. My father Patrick was a headmaster of Tuban Primary school. My mom, Joy, was a primary 2 teacher. I had 5 brothers but I only got to meet one since the rest were out of the house. Aggrey was my 13 year old brother and he was a lot of fun. I had 3 girl cousins staying with me: Esther who is a nursing student in Mbale, Immatculet who lives in our village and was in secondary school, and then Karen who is 7 years old and absolutely hilarious.

That week I stayed with my family was filled with new experiences and lessons learned. Some days seemed to drag on, especially from the time I got up until about noon. Those people make so much use of their day, getting up around 5 or 6then working until dinner which is followed by bed around 9 or 10. There were several mornings I woke up at 6:30 and when I walked out of my room my family said, “Oh, you slept in.” I was thinking, “Are you kidding me? Back home I can sleep in until 10.” Haha

As far as new experiences I got to carry water in a jerry can on my head for a couple miles (African women are extremely tough. They gave me a small can and my next was killing me by the end) and I prayed the whole way “Lord, help me not to drop this water and to not bite it and fall down this muddy hill.” I fed my family’s cows banana leaves, picked coffee, plucked a chicken and I was later made to eat it’s organs at dinner plus the chicken’s unformed eggs (almost lost that dinner at a couple points), climbed a cliff in a skirt and flip flops (kinda terrifying, haha), went to 2 farewell parties for primary 7 students and my dad made me give an impromptu speech at one of them, visited both of my parents’ schools and got asked awesome questions. Some of my favorites: Do you eat donkeys in America? How many women does Obama have? Are you going to live on the moon? What kind of lotion do you use on your skin?

People in Kapchorwa seem to get life so much better than we do. They have time for one another and a random visitor is never an inconvenience. They make their guests feel special and always feed them and give them some tea. I experienced this first hand. I’ve never eaten so much in my life and over the course of the week I think I had over 30 cups of milk tea. People there are so loving and they freely give of what they have. Some of my favorite moments with my family were spent in my family’s kitchen at night sitting around the clay oven talking about all kinds of things. Life is simple and so good.

I think this is all for now. I’ve already written a book, sorry! I can tell you more about when I get back to the U.S. (which is in 6 weeks, crazy).

You Gotta Look Up

2009-10-21T23:34:00.000-07:00

So I leave tomorrow for my rural home stay in Kapchorwa for 10 days. It should be great, awkward at times, new, confusing, and I'm sure I'll come back with lots of memories.

As I walked alone on the path to school today I realized how beautiful this place is. That might sound dumb, but I seriously forget to look at the world around me. Usually I'm too busy looking at my feet to make sure I don't fall into mud pits that are scattered along the paths after morning downpours. There are days that my feet feel about 10 pounds heavier because of the massive amounts of mud caked on my sandals. Guess it's like natural ankle weights, haha. Anyways as I continued to walk I realized that my walking routine translates over into how I live my life. It's easy to get caught up in our own little worlds, only looking at ourselves. I forget to look up and out and to see the world and people around me. I miss chances to build relationships and opportunities that God can use because I'm too concerned with my own life and worries-the mud pits along the path.

Once that thought hit me I looked up the rest of the walk to school. There are so many people I cross paths with and I have to believe they're not by chance. Every encounter is an opportunity to let that person they know matter and that they're acknowledged. Even if it's just smiling and saying hello, you never know how God can use it. I know my spirits are lifted when someone takes the time to say hi to me as I walk through town. It's nice to be met with a smile instead of the usual blank stare, laughs, critical looks, or being ignored. That's just something that hit me this morning.

Oh our one remaining cat decided to decorate my brother Brian's bed again, haha. He was so mad and while I felt bad, I had to laugh. That cat has it out for my brother but that cat better be careful because Brian's now threatening to toss it to the dogs...that will eat it.

2009-10-18T23:58:00.000-07:00

So this past weekend was just what I needed. I got to sleep in until 8 am, which is awesome. Denise and I decided to head to the market to check things out and we bought fresh vegetables. I can't tell you how exciting that is but it was great. We bought huge avocados, onions, green peppers, and carrots. From the market we hit up the super market then headed to our friends Rachel and Christina's house to buy African fabric. Their brother took us into town to a seamstress who let us design our dresses and then she measured us. So in about a week or so I should have a new dress...I just hope it fits. Before we headed home we stopped for Rolex's (a chapati, which is like a tortilla/flatbread, filled with egg and vegetables) and rented a movie. (I'm pretty sure we walked over 5 miles back and forth through Mukono town) Once we were home we watched our movie (Ladder 49) and just relaxed...and then decided to head back into town again for drinks from the gas station and another movie. Nothing like hiking through the village for some apple juice and a candy bar.

The vegetable moment had to be documented.

As we were heading home it was starting to get dark and there are no street lights in Mukono. So when it's dark, it's dark except for the occasional light from the headlights of random cars and boda bodas. I literally stared at my feet the entire way home and I know we looked hilarious b/c our depth perception in the dark is horrible when trying to figure out if the dirt road slopes off or not. So you have two mzungu girls wobbling on the side of the road half way hunched over b/c we couldn't see the road. We finally made it home and nobody got hurt. That's a victory in my mind.

The power went off for a little while that night and I'm not gonna lie, I was scared. The power going off is a normal occurrence and you never know how long it will be out so you got get your flashlights and light the kerosene lamps. But that night it was especially scary b/c 1. it was absolutely pitch black 2. you usually know it's going out b/c lights start to dim or flicker, but this time they didn't 3. the wind was howling outside and it was causing old wooden doors to swing back and forth like in scary movies, haha. I have to admit though, I like when the power goes out b/c it's seems like those are the times I have the best conversations with my family.

Denise and Brian

Well this is long enough and I have a midterm to write. My time here in Uganda reached the halfway point today. This Friday I head out for my rural home stay in Kapchorwa (near the Eastern border). I'm excited and nervous, but it will be interesting.

My sister Judith and me

Every Day is a Winding Road

2009-10-16T06:18:00.001-07:00

I'm grateful that the weekend is here. I'm ready to rest. Probably won't get the chance to sleep in. There's no mercy past 6 am at our house. I've been feeling sick off and on this week and I'm really hoping that I don't have a parasite...but there's a good chance that I will probably pick one up at some point and will bring it with me in December. I looked up symptoms of having parasites online and it wasn't helpful at all. It was one of those lists that said things like itchy nose, stomach pain, headache....things that I encounter everyday here, haha.

I'm not really sure what to write, I've had so many thoughts swirling in my mind this week and I'm not really sure where to begin to sort them out. Coming into this semester I knew there were going to be hard, frustrating, and confusing moments but I put it in the back of my mind. I know I'm only here 4 months, but when you try to live in a new culture it's not all happy faces and smiles. It truly is a roller coaster but I feel like I'm learning things that I couldn't have learned by staying in my bubble in the U.S. Last night I found myself so frustrated with things and as I tried to sleep all I could do was cry. Sometimes I feel like I let my host-family down because I'm not picking up on Luganda very quickly and because I'm not as spunky and charming as some of the past girls they've hosted that I hear stories about a lot. It felt good to let it all out and to pray being completely real with God.

Even though I get frustrated at times and feel inadequate, I know it's all worth it. I'm learning to be comfortable with who I am. I'm learning that I'm more introverted than I previously thought, that I don't fully understand how much I need God, and that there are things about me that don't change despite my location. My role may look a little different within my family context, but at the heart of it all I'm still me. I can't fill the role of a past girl because I'm not that person. I'm a work in progress and I have so much to learn, but I do know more than I did just 2 months ago.

There are still days when being in Uganda seems unreal and I wonder what I'm doing here. But I'm reminded that I don't know the big picture but I get to see little pieces of it at a time. My realization of my need for God has been made so much more obvious in this new setting. I'm learning that people are people no matter where you go. They are never meant to be your "project" no matter how in need they may be. I'm realizing that my love for the elderly and for babies doesn't have borders. I'm learning that I don't always have to have something to say, but that just being present is what really matters.

Luweero

2009-10-12T22:31:00.000-07:00

This past weekend we went to Luweero and stayed at Luweero's Anglican Diocese guest house. We had a FLUSHING TOILET, SHOWER, and a FULL LENGTH MIRROR. Exciting! It got interesting though b/c the power went out Saturday afternoon and when I woke up Sunday morning to get ready for church it was still off. It was 5am so there was no light at all so I got to shower by the light coming from the screen on my camera, haha. Every minute or so I had to turn the camera back on.

Saturday afternoon they took us to Nsawo school where local kids go on Saturdays for a day of games, singing, activities, and a meal. Many of the children were Compassion International kids. That center serves about 280 children. I got to work with the 3-5 year olds and I loved it. We sang songs, played games with them, and planted trees together. We sat in an open field watching the older kids play duck duck goose and cat and mouse for a while too. It was a perfect moment: sitting in a field with two little ones on my lap watching a storm roll in. I could have done that all day. Then the rains came and by rain I mean it POURED. We all made a mad dash for shelter and they told some of us get on our bus. I picked up one of my little girls and got on the bus. We drew pictures and wrote the alphabet on the foggy windows together. Before I knew it, it was time to go and I had to carry my little one back into the rain and wave goodbye.

Later that night we talked with a Catholic Priest and an Anglican Bishop and heard about their lives and ministries. Father Jerry, the Catholic Priest, sees so much poverty, disease, and death in his daily life. His stories were heartbreaking and it amazes me how he continues to serve and serve. Really makes you think twice before you start to complain. I have a roof over my head, a family, food to eat, clothes, and shoes on my feet.

Lately

2009-10-08T00:24:00.000-07:00

I'm proud to report that my cell phone avoidance tactic from the US works in Uganda. So you know how at most malls they have those kiosks in the aisle ways and there always seems to be at least one that is selling some kind of lotion/hand care stuff. Those people like hunt you down when you walk past grabbing for your hands and I get tired of it, so when I get near those areas of the mall I pull out my cell phone and start talking to myself or just smile stupidly like I'm listening to someone on the other end throwing in a random "Mmmhmm." Back to Uganda- when I walk home I pass by a secondary school and let's just be honest middle school/high school aged boys and some girls aren't always the most fun to be around. They make comments (in Luganda of course), laugh at you, and sometimes they even crowd around trying to get a reaction out of you. I usually try to remain as inconspicuous as possible on most days but that doesn’t work so well because I pretty much glow in the dark. Yesterday I was getting fed up with it so I pulled out my cell and pretended to answer a call and held the phone to my ear until the school kids where out of sight. It worked and I got left alone- another small victory, haha.

Once I reach the dirt paths it’s all good b/c from there it’s just small children that yell at me. They will yell “Hi Mzungu” until I'm out of sight even after I say hi to them and ask them how they are. Funny story- as I continued I saw a couple orange things moving out of the corner of my eye in some tall grass. My first reaction was that “oh, it’s couple red-headed children” but then I quickly remember that I’m in Uganda and that they were chickens, haha. I got ambushed by the kids by my house again and they tried to teach me how to dance…that didn’t work out so well. They sang songs they learned in church, taught me a Ugandan game, said the Lord’s Prayer for me and they made sure my eyes were closed too, and then they asked me to sing to them. The neighbors that were staring sure got some free entertainment watching a mzungu trying to shake her hips and sing. The kids kept crowding me trying to feel my hair, climb on my back, and they were so fascinated with my skin and the fact that they could see my veins.

Since I’ve been here in Uganda it’s been hard to find moments to be alone but as I figure out my surroundings I’m finding little spots to escape to- the open field at the top of the hill by my house, the veranda at my house at sunset, and the old chapel at school. I just started using the chapel this week. I was having a rough day and just needed to get away and do my quiet time and I happened upon the old chapel that happened to be empty, score! There are days where I thirst and crave to be alone with God- to be silent, to sit, to read, and to journal. I’m so thankful I’ve found a spot to do that.

For Your Viewing Pleasure

2009-10-05T21:32:00.000-07:00

So I don't have a lot to say today. I'm not feeling very well and on the way to school today I heard there has been an outbreak of swine flu....hope it doesn't get me. Anyways, here's some pics of my neighborhood posse.

Beautiful girl

He was excited

:)

Some of my little buddies. Check out the ones trying to be gangster in the back row.

This little guy cracks me up.

Random Happenings

2009-10-01T05:35:00.000-07:00

So yesterday I was walking the short-cut to my house which consists of walking on really muddy paths past a bunch of little houses. Whenever I get to a certain point there are these little girls that sound the "mzungu alarm" as I like to call it. One shouts "Mzungu, mzungu!" and before you know it there are like 10 kids running at you. So they all smashed into me and were pulling on my arms, my back pack, pretty much any part of me they could reach even if it an area I didn't want touched, haha. They almost pulled me to the ground as I tried to walk. When I finally walked onto my front yard they all just stared at me smiling and they speak maybe like 5 words of English if that. If I did something they copied me so I got some free entertainment. I spun them around like airplanes once each and then said I needed to go inside. Then came the hugs. I'm pretty sure I hugged each of them at least 5 times, no joke. Every time I took a few steps toward my house they'd follow me wanting more hugs. They're hungry for love and I'm more than happy to give it even if it means that saying "see you later" takes 10 minutes. We ended the night with high fives and they finally went home. :)

My brother Simon is home from boarding school for a few days. It's been nice actually getting to know him a little. I totally thought he was about 17, but he turns 15 next month. I watched the Amazing Race with him last night and when the contestants had to white water raft he said, "That makes me fear for my life." haha

I found American style peanut butter at the City Shopper Super Market. It's over $4 a jar, but so worth it. I'm pretty sure I've eaten it everyday this week. But I need to lay off or I'll gain lots of weight and go broke.

I haven't really seen myself in a mirror in about a month, unless you count my pocket-sized mirror that shows you like one eye at a time. I never really know what I look like, which is kinda nice b/c if I look bad I can just stock it up to the fact that I can't see myself. Plus I can never tell by the reactions of the other Ugandan students if I look weird or not b/c they stare all the time, haha. So the other day my parents' bedroom door was open (this door usually remains shut and locked). I happened to glance up as I walked by and saw a full length mirror in the farthest corner of the room. I looked around real fast and the coast was clear so I made a made dash into the room, looked at myself for like 2 seconds, and then ran for my life. It was a little rush and I felt like I got away with something naughty, so that was fun. haha, I know my life is lame.

When I got to Uganda our family had 2 cats. One got killed by our guard dogs. I guess they wanted a life-like toy. Luckily I didn't see it happen. Our second cat which is a tiny kitten decided to decorate my brother's bed. Brian walked into my room the other night with a sad look on his face and he looked at me and said, "The cat pooped on my bed. That cat is not my friend." hahaha, any time that cat comes into the house it has to watch out for Brian b/c he will promptly remove it and throw it outside. The cats aren't doing so well at the Mukwanya household.

Ok that's enough for now. Gotta actually read a book for my homework and then head for another weekend in Jinja.

Where My Heart Is

2009-09-29T00:55:00.000-07:00

My heart and thoughts are at home today. I got a call from my dad last night that my mom is in the hospital. (Dad, it was so good to hear from you. I miss you and love you. :) )She's been sick this week and turns out she needed surgery to take her gallbladder out. I haven't had any updates since last night and at that point she had not had surgery yet. I've been praying that all is going well, that her doctors will make wise choices, and that she is cared for. I want to be there with her, to keep her company, and to take care of her, but I'm here in Uganda which is 2 day trip by plane away from home. So Mom, if you're reading this know that I love you and that I'm praying for you constantly.

Getting that call from my dad last night confirmed one of my fears of possibly serving abroad one day. If things do happen to my family I can't just get in the car and go. That may be one of the costs of picking up my cross and following Him where He leads me. I praise God that He does take care of us and that He can use any situation to bring about good.

So Mom, take it easy, get well soon, sleep a ton, catch up on NCIS and So You Think You Can Dance, have Shelby make you dinner :), eat some popsicles, and do as your doctors say. Love you <3

*UPDATE: Mom is home recovering now. She is recovering faster than doctors expected, which is awesome. Thanks for you prayers. :)

New Friends

2009-09-25T02:39:00.000-07:00

No matter what kind of day I'm having, the kids here always make me smile. There's nothing quite like walking along a super muddy footpath with at least 4 children holding onto you. Let's just say it takes skills and luckily no one's gotten hurt yet. :)

A Day in the Life

2009-09-23T03:36:00.000-07:00

Rooster crows
Family talking and cleaning
Wake up- foggy eyed
Bucket bath
Fumble in the dimness
No wrinkles allowed
Tea, bread, Blue Band, Zesta
Red dirt roads
Huge pot-holes
Watch your step
Stares from adults
“Bye mzungu!”
Waves and shouts from children
Some with distended bellies
Walk up hill
Sweat in the heat, humidity, and sunlight
Classes
Try to concentrate
Find motivation
Decipher accents
What was the question?
Rain storm- buckets
Run for cover
Fatigue sets in
Cramming in the assignments
Reading…and more reading
Head home
30 minutes pass
Local kids run up to meet us
Tugging my skirt
4 kids trying to hold my 2 hands
“Pick me up!”
Greetings from family
“You are welcome.”
Tea time...or hot chocolate
Catch up with family
Talk to the chapatti guys
Unwind from the day
Ugandan News or
Dubbed-over Spanish soap operas
Bathe again, if you want
Help wash dishes
Set up for dinner
Tummy rumbles
Dinner…at 9:30 or 10
Matoke, rice, bean “soup”, sometimes meat
Pass out,
"Good night."
Repeat.

Back to Reality

2009-09-21T05:14:00.000-07:00

I just got back from Jinja last night and it was a great weekend trip. We actually stayed at a resort in rooms that looked like huts. It was sweet. We got to hear from several missionaries, went to a place called the Source Cafe, went on a devotional tour of Jinja, went out on a tour of the Nile, had pizza, and went to a local church. I really liked this past weekend a lot and would love to go back to Jinja again. This weekend also made me think about a lot of things. During our devotional tour a missionary named Ben took us around the town to different locations- starting first at the spot where Lake Victoria turns into the Nile, then to a street where many Indians used to live, then through an industrial part of town called the Ting Ting, all the while asking questions like, "Why are you here? What's important to you? Do you want a testimony or a title? How will you be remembered?"

Lastly Ben took us to Jinja Hospital to see what it's like. He told us to walk through the wards and to say hi to people. Jinja Hospital is the place to go for the nearly 2 million people in the area. It's nothing like an American hospital- you can wait WEEKS before you see a doctor and the staff doesn't really take care of you. They give you your meds but after that you're on your own. It's up to your family to take care of you, bathe you, and feed you.

When I walked into the hospital it was a complete shock. When Ben said "ward" I assumed it would be a hallway with double rooms, but it was really an open room with 15-20 beds. I felt so awkward being there. You've got extremely sick people laying in beds and we've been told to just go take a look. It was a struggle for me to do that- personally I think it would have been a lot better if we would have stayed the whole day and gotten to really talk to the people instead of just going on a "tour." I think the reason it made me really uncomfortable though was because of the conditions. Before I left I walked through a TB ward. We were told that people who have HIV and AIDS don't die from those diseases, but they die from diseases and infections they catch due to their failing immune systems. TB is a common culprit. When you get TB and it gets really bad your chest begins to fill up with fluid making it super hard to breathe, so it's like you're suffocating. If you're lucky they can insert a needle and remove some of the fluid. All in all, TB is a terrible thing to deal with. When I walked into the ward everything in me wanted to run. There were people laying on hospital beds hooked up to IVs and you could tell they were suffering and in pain. There was on man who was surrounded by his family and when I looked at him I could see him laboring for each breathe. His sides would rise and fall very dramatically and you could see the worried looks on his family's tear-stained faces. I don't know if that man was on the brink of death, but I don't think I'll ever forget seeing that.

Going to the hospital was a nice reality check. This is reality for so many people. Even as an American in Africa if I get taken to a health care facility, I could get seen a lot faster than those around me. I'd hash out my money and get taken care of. It's sad. But having sympathy for those people gets me nowhere. You feel sorry for a little while and move on. Empathy and reliance on God are what's needed to try to bring about change or to at least wage the battle alongside people. People are people no matter where you go and they all desire to be loved, needed, listened to, and to have a purpose.

This made me think about the question, "What are you here for?" A good story to tell? A "life experience?" It made me realize that my motives in coming weren't exactly pure. Part of me wanted to have that story to tell when I got back. But the truth is, yeah I'll have things to say, but people won't be interested for long. Sure I'm able to do something that many people don't have the chance to do, but it means nothing if I don't let this experience change me. I battle the desire of wanting a story to tell, but more and more of my heart wants to be here to be changed. To see where God leads and to let Him mold me. God's given me a chance to see people He loves unconditionally in a different context. He's showing me the widows, orphans, and the poor that He cares so much about. I'm also realizing that I don't know what lies ahead. Whether I'll live in the US or abroad when I'm older, but He's showing me the importance of following Him no matter the cost. I may have to be away from my friends and family and comforts of "home" but He's trying to teach me that His ways are higher, bigger, and so much better than my ways.

So the "I don't knows" remain and I'm learning to be ok with that. I serve a God who sees it all and whose timing is perfect.

Looking Up

2009-09-17T00:06:00.000-07:00

The last few days have been pretty good. I think I’m getting the hang of classes and am finding routine in my “new life.” If you’ve been praying for me, thank you. I seriously mean that. I’ve realized that I need to take life a step at a time, day by day. I’m also learning the importance of the saying, “Wherever you are, be all there.” There have been so many times that my thoughts drift back to life in the U.S., which isn’t bad but when I choose to dwell on that and let my longings for home overtake my thoughts I’m setting myself up to miss out on things here. I need to appreciate the little things and see the little victories like the fact that my host mom is warming up to us more and she initiates conversations now. It’s awesome.

I’ve also been learning that when God calls us to obey Him, He doesn’t mean just when we feel like it. I knew this but I've been convicted about how little I live it out. Sure I may be tired and drained but that gives me no excuse to slack off. He tells us to love others- all the time. I need to rely on Him to fill me up and to be my strength, no matter what the situation or how I'm feeling. That’s been a thing I’ve struggled with b/c when I get drained I tend to retreat and get away for some silent moments and to pray. This is not a bad thing, but it becomes no good when I choose to isolate myself from others and not love on those around me. Anyways, these are just a few things that God’s been laying on my heart lately.

And now I would like to introduce you to my oldest brother, Brian. Brian is so great and he always makes me smile and laugh. He has a genuine heart for people and would love to work in the medical field. He worked for 6 months distributing meds to HIV and AIDS patients. I can often find Brian watching movies or walking around the house singing worship songs. He’s always got a smile for you. We’ve discovered he’s got a knack for playing the card game B.S. and we decided to teach him Spoons…which he’s slowly getting the hang of. :)

A Not So Normal Week

2009-09-14T00:45:00.000-07:00

So, there were riots here last week. I don't want to go into detail about why it happened b/c 1. I don't quite understand it all and 2. you may not understand my explanation either, haha. What it all came down to was tensions between the Kabaka (King of Buganda) and President Museveni. People decided it would be smart to start riots...they burned tires, cars, buses, people looted, made giant road blocks out of trees, and plain just caused problems. The riot police got involved using tear gas and rubber bullets. The first day we had to be driven home b/c of tear gas and the second day we had to leave school early and head straight home. I definitely saw burn marks on the road from the burnt tires and the trees they used for road blocks. I could sit in my house and hear the police firing bullets nearby. My host dad couldn't even drive home b/c of the road blocks and had to walk. My sister Judith ended staying at an uncles house for about 3 days because of the unrest. Not gonna lie, there were points when I got really nervous,especially when I could hear the gun shots near our house. Praise God, we are all safe and sound and it looks like peace is being restored. When we went to church yesterday everyone was definitely talking about tear gas all the time, haha.

I'm heading into my 4th week here in Africa, that's nuts to me. I feel homesick time to time. The craziest thing is that I feel the most homesick when I wake up in the mornings because I usually have just had a dream about home and the people there. I'm really thankful for my family here and for the friends I've made. I have the constant question on my mind of wondering if I'm doing things right. This experience will be what I make it and I know I'm learning things not only about Uganda, but about life and myself. But no matter how I feel (feelings can be deceiving) I know without a doubt that I am blessed and that God is always with me. As I sat on the front porch at my house yesterday, taking in a few rare quiet moments I was overwhelmed with a feeling of "I don't know." I can't really describe it, but as I prayed God reassured me that He's there, holding my hand.

You are God

2009-09-09T22:53:00.000-07:00

You are God...
no matter where we are.
You are not limited by location, languages, circumstance, our mistakes, misunderstandings, by the boxes we put you in. You are not changed.
You are a God of...
compassion, forgiveness, justice, restoration, mending, unending love, miracles, and intimacy.
You are God...
of the poor, hurting, healing, broken, growing, confused, displaced, the journeying, the planted, the forgotten, lonely, the joyful.
Your love doesn't change despite our shortcomings, failures, or mess ups.
You ARE God.

Walk with Me

2009-09-08T00:09:00.000-07:00

I just got to school a little bit ago and I’m still sweating from the walk, haha. I’m so out of shape. Denise and I have a 30-40 minute walk, depending upon how quickly we walk. About 1/3 of that walk is up hill….we have to pace ourselves but luckily most Ugandans walk pretty slow as well. It’s kinda like life here goes slower anyway. It’s super common to walk down the road and just see people sitting on their front porches or yards. They have time for each other.

As I walk to school I pass small houses, little stores and stands, and lots of people on boda bodas (motor bikes). Life as a pedestrian is thrilling in a dangerous way. The totem pole of travel here goes: buses, vans, cars, boda bodas, bicycles, and then people at the very bottom. If you’re in the road you better get out of the way, haha.

As a white pedestrian there is a whole other element to walking to school and it’s constantly hearing the phrase, “Hi muzungu!” These shouts almost always come from little kids and they smile and wave as you pass, some get excited and jump up and down or follow you down the road. You get looks of confusion and fear from small children sometimes because lets face it, white people in an African setting look scary. I have to admit while I was in Rwanda I was talking to a woman holding a small baby and when he looked at me he let out a loud cry, looked terrified, and then hid his face in his mom’s shoulder. I made the poor baby cry because in the words of his mother “You, first muzungu.” Haha, I was the first white person that baby had ever seen. I bring fear to small children, oh man. The other group Denise and I get the most attention from is men. They look at you and say “How are you?” with a creepy grin. This hasn’t happened to me a lot, but this has been the most attention I have ever received from guys in my life…and I’m not sure I like it, haha.

Rwanda

2009-09-07T00:34:00.000-07:00

So I feel like there's so much I could write about but it would be a huge novel and I might bore you. Rwanda is a great country. It has a past and the effects are still seen today, but their future is looking up. The genocide that occurred there took 1 million lives and it has effected the lives of almost everyone left behind. I've heard countless stories of loss and tragedy beyond what I can comprehend. It's easy to look at the million lost as a whole, but EACH life mattered. Each one was a sister, brother, mother, father, friend. Each person had a story to tell and I got to put some faces to the lost and to those left behind.

The hardest place was Nyamata Church in the Burgesera District. TEN THOUSAND people were massacred there. There were piles of people's clothes on the pews, blood stains, you could see where grenades went off, where the killers had broken through doors. Tutsi women were placed on the altar and had their babies cut out of them, people were killed over a period of days by having their limbs cut off, babies were smashed against walls, and if you had money you could pay the killers for a bullet so you could die quickly. We met a guy named Charles; he was one of 7 survivors at Nyamata. His mother and father were killed; his brother in attempts to save him covered him in blood and made him lay among the dead bodies. When Charles went to find his brother, he found that he had been decapitated by a machete. It’s taken Charles years to get back on track, but he is now a believer and is trying to forgive the killers. Throughout the genocide, women were raped, and some of those who survived contracted HIV from their rapists. Around 100,000 children were orphaned. Imagine watching your family be killed by a family friend or neighbor. That was reality for many Tutsis and moderate Hutus. I’m sorry to be so graphic, but I don’t know how else to describe it to make it seem real. On Sunday I met a woman at church who had us over for lunch and we learned that her husband and 5 children had been killed in the genocide. She was the only one left.

At Nyamata you can walk into these underground crypts. There are rows and rows or stacked coffins. Each coffin contains 25-30 peoples’ remains. We also went to the memorial in Kigali. There are mass graves located there where 258,000 people are buried. It’s crazy. More bodies are found each year. Rwanda is making moves to reconciliation. When you live in rural places, like some of the villages in Rwanda, you almost have no other choice because you need others to survive. Going to Rwanda taught me so much about what it means to forgive and my own propensity to want to hold onto wrongs. People who have admitted to killings have been allowed to have a shorter sentence and spend a good portion of it doing community service because the prisons were so overloaded. You can walk down the streets of Kigali and see men in blue jumpsuits- most of these men have been convicted of murder but they’re working off their time building houses for survivors, repaving roads, and terracing hills. I looked some of those men in the eyes as I passed them and could not imagine them killing someone else.

As you walk the streets you also literally sees the scars the genocide has left behind. A girl passes who is missing a leg, a man with no arm smiles at you as walk by, a man who is an orphan has reduced himself to begging and shows you the machete marks on his head. This part killed me. I see so many people in need who ask me for money and I’ve been given strict instructions not to give any handouts. The last guy I described found me outside a church and followed me inside saying “Genocide. Machete,” and he kept showing me the healed gash in his head. I struggled with the fact that God has a heart for widows and orphans and we’ve been called to help. But then I realized, money won’t truly solve the problems they face. They need people to love them, to let them know their worth, that they’re capable of doing great things, and that God has a plan for them. Long term, holistic development is needed. You can’t break the cycle of poverty by only giving money. Poverty is a tangled web and there are many factors involved. The sad reality is that many well-meaning people have only given money-which may seem like an instant fix. This has bred a mindset of “give me” instead of “walk beside me as you show me how to improve.” I’m still thinking this all through and trying to figure out where God’s heart is in it all, but I truly think it’s on the holistic side of things. I can’t fix everyone’s problems, God can, but I can seek to know His heart more, to ask for His eyes, and to love the way He’s told me to.

Uganda makes me want to watch the Lion King

2009-08-28T10:41:00.000-07:00

So I made it! After two days of travel and over 20 hrs in air planes, I stepped foot into Rwanda. It was amazing to fly over parts of Europe, like Italy and Germany. Not long after I made it through customs and got my visa, Entebbe welcomed us by shutting off the power at the airport. But it gave me my first real chance to see the Ugandan sky at night. The stars are amazing.

On my first whole day in Uganda I got dropped off with my host family. They packed 6 of us in a tiny van with all our luggage, our jari cans, basins for washing, mosquito nets, gum boots, and trunks. As we wobbled us the red dirt roads to our homes I started to panic a little and started praying fervently for a roommate and sure enough I got placed with a girl named Denise with our program.

As we got out of the van I was greeted by my mom, Edith and my brothers and sister. They quickly carried in all our luggage and we were pretty much on our own. We had our first homemade Ugandan meal of rice, matoke (cook bananas that taste nothing like bananas), noodles, beef, fish, and pineapple.

I asked my mother how many children she had and I pretty sure she didn't understand me b/c she responded, "I don't know." My sister then asked her in Lugandan and she responded 10 and I was shocked. Turns out I only have 1 sister named Judith and 3 brothers named Mark, Brian, and Simon. Cousins here are called brothers and sisters. My dad came home late that night from school meetings- His name is Julius and he's the headmaster of Mukono High.

The house is pretty great. It's simple, but they have a tv, dvd player, bootleg dvds, and a computer. Here the bathroom is where you shower and that's a concrete room in the house. You was out of a shallow basin....I still haven't figured out the art. Outside is the kitchen with wood/coal/charcoal burning stove. The toilet is also outside. We have squatty potties here and it's pretty much just a hole in the ground. My first night there I went to use the squatty potty and when I opened the door a rat ran into the hole. I made the mistake of looking down into the depths w/ my flashlight only to find huge cockroaches. I decided to be brave and let's just say during the process the rat ran out btwn my legs into the squatty potty where Denise was. I didn't scream, it was a proud but terrifying moments.

I also got to watch my cousin Lamula and the maid Prose slaughter and butcher a chicken...oh my word. Poor chicken. Aunt Becky, if you're reading this, I still love meat :) They cut that thing's head right off and the chicken twitched really hard. Then they put the decapitated chickens into boiling water and pulled the feathers off, cut them open, pulled out their insides, cut them up, and cooked it. Crazy!

Well my battery is dying. I'm headed to Rwanda tomorrow for 10 days. It's a 15 hr ride.

Peace out girl scouts!

2009-08-15T07:32:00.001-07:00

9 days until I'm on a plane to Uganda....oh....my....word.....

So much to do and so little time!

2009-08-08T18:33:00.000-07:00

Ok so, I love the show So You Think You Can Dance. I wish I could dance half as well as the people on the show, but I'm pretty sure I'm missing certain muscles and levels of coolness to ever do that, haha. Anyways, as I was watching a few weeks back there was a dance done about addiction. I thought the dance so great in the way it portrayed the way people become enslaved to addictions and sin. Sin entangles you, breaks you, clouds your vision, draws you in, seems to take control of you, and tears you down. It's crazy that we know it's dangerous and still choose to go to it. I know in my own life I wonder that all the time. And the more I give into a sin the more I become enslaved and numb to the severity of the reality of it all. Watching this dance made me think about my own struggles and how it truly effects my life and those around me. Once you get in so deep it can seem impossible to break free and thoughts of just totally surrendering to it can feel like the easiest way out. Been there, tried that, and it's not the right path. God's gives us freedom and it takes surrender,humility, vulnerability, and complete reliance on our part. I'm so thankful that I serve a God of hope and freedom.

Here's the link to the video, it's worth watching: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1lLWJboraJw&feature=related

He's Never Failing

2009-05-30T21:44:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since I've been on here, but hopefully that will change as I get ready to leave for Uganda. In less than 3 months I will be in Uganda. It's hard to comprehend and I honestly don't think about it a whole lot. I think it's in part because I'm excited and don't want to have to think about the wait and in part because I'm nervous because I have no idea what to expect or if I'm cut out for it.

I've been home for almost a month now and still have no job. It's been a frustrating road and it can be hard not to take the rejection personally, but I'm learning that getting upset won't get me anywhere. I just have to pick myself up and try again...and be patient (that's the truly hard part). As much as I know I need a job, I have a peace about it. I'm learning to trust that God has something in store and that it might be found on my first or tenth try.

A huge reason I need a job this summer is to pay for my tuition and expenses for Uganda. All money must be accounted for before I get on that plane in August or I won't be allowed to go. Due to the fact that I'm choosing to go with a program that isn't run by my college, the school is taking away half of my scholarship while I'm gone. When I first found out about that back last fall I was upset but was thankful for the half of the scholarship that remained. I'd been praying that God would provide the money that was being taken away and this spring I received a different scholarship from the religion department and that was a HUGE praise. The scholarship a little more than covered the missing sum but this past week I found out that the scholarship is only worth half of what I was told due to the fact that the money for the scholarship was in the stock market. When I received this news on the phone all I could do was cry and the poor guy on the other end just awkwardly said he was sorry and hung up.

Part of me is tired from the hurtles along this path to Uganda. I even began to question if I all these things were meant as doors closing to Uganda, but as I've prayed about it I've been reminded that God has brought me this far and He'll see me through. He never said it was going to be easy, but He did say to trust Him and to act in faith. He's given me peace and I know I serve a God that is unfailing. The same day I learned that half my scholarship was lost, I got a check from a family member worth 5 x's what was lost. Just when things start to look bad God reminds me to not let go and to remember who's in control.

Where did the time go? No, for real?!

2009-04-29T22:06:00.000-07:00

So, this time last year I was ready to go home. I'm ready to go home, but man I'm going to miss people. This year has been pretty great. It's not always been easy, but I know I've grown because of it and I've made friends that I don't want to lose. A friend of mine posted a list like this and I thought it was fun...so I'm going to be a copycat. :)

What I'll miss:
-Dinner and praying as a "family"
-Chasing TDawg with the turtle
-Pastoral Care class, I learned so much
-Random trips off campus-Panera, Notre Dame, Walmart, Ritters, Barnes and Noble
-Walks to the river
-Those awesome discussions that just pop up about life
-Chapel
-my kiddies at the Daycare
-St. Mark Missionary Church
-writing to our "neighbors" in the next building over
-splitting bananas
-laughing...sometimes for no reason at all

Memories:
-Squashed toads
-slip-n-slide, which turned into a mud slide
-Gibberish
-Karaoke/dance party in the President's room
-Atlanta
-Walking to work in the dark to work 3 days a week
-"sound" Frisbee at the river
-Melissa and her roomies' grills + photo shoot
-Fire drill while I was in the shower
-Time in the prayer chapel
-When Marj came to visit
-Swimming in Bethel's ponds. Been there, swam that!
-Road trip to Michigan
-Snowballs busting through our windows
-bird legs/talons

It's been a good year :)

Aches

2009-02-09T09:42:00.000-08:00

The weather has been so beautiful lately and I'm taking advantage of it. One of my favorite things to do is go down to the Riverwalk. During these winter months I feel kinda stir-crazy and something within me aches to go there. It's like my getaway and I have days where I long to just be silent and to be alone. It's how I recharge. I think I could sit out by the river all day.

I found out today that Sydney's grandpa died. Sydney is a little girl I watch at the daycare and I've really grown to love her. Her smile radiates from her face and I love the times when she sings and dances around the room. She doesn't care who's watching, she's just herself. My heart hurts so much for her. She may only be 2 1/2 and may not understand what has happened, but she will notice that her grandpa is not around and may watch in confusion as her family cries. Sydney loved her grandpa so much. On many occasions I've caught Sydney using an old boom-box microphone as a telephone and she would pretend to be talking to her grandpa on it.

Life on earth is broken and my heart aches that Sydney will not get to grow up with her grandpa around. She will not remember the sound of his voice and most likely won't remember many of the times she spent with him. She'll get to know him through photos and stories and memories that people share. She'll get to hear about how amazing he was and about how much he loved God. I'm so thankful for that.

2008-12-13T10:29:00.001-08:00

It crazy amazing how God can use the pain of others to prepare someone else for what's to come. Little did I know that God was using my friend's dad's funeral to prepare me for another death just 3 days later. My grandpa passed away. It's hard to type that and hard to think about. But it is amazing to see how God evidenced himself through that whole of week craziness. I've never seen my family shaken that much to the core before nor have I seen such raw grief.

Some of the moments from that week are ingrained in my mind. I can see them so clearly. I'll never forget sitting on the edge of my grandpa's hospital bed holding his hands while he labored to breathe. Or how he said, "Hi hon" and "I love you too." I can still hear the sound of the doctor's voice when he gave my family "the talk" later that night in the ICU. I can vividly remember the ICU room and looking at my grandpa in the bed. That week helped me to appreciate and value my family like I never have before.

In the midst of all the hurt, I can't deny how great God is. I know God took my grandpa at just the right time. I know God allowed my uncle to make it all the way from Georgia to see him before he passed. I know God allowed me to be home even though I had school that day. I'm so thankful God let us be there to hold his hands while he passed. God has blessed me with an amazing family that I can't imagine life without.

There will continue to be hard days ahead, no doubt. I will continue to miss my grandpa and his hugs, his laugh, his stories, and hearing him says “I love you hon.” I need time to grieve. I feel like since I’ve been back at school there hasn’t been any time for that. There are times when I just want to sink into the floor and cry. I’m ready to go home and be with my family. I’m ready to cry and let it all out. But I’m so thankful that I am here at school right now and that I have friends that love me. God knows what He’s doing and that takes a lot of pressure off me as I sit back and let Him lead.

In My Life be Lifted High

2008-11-24T16:00:00.000-08:00

Some things in life are just plain tough. My friend's dad died of cancer, my dad's business went under, my grandpa is in the hospital but even through all that I know God is good. Life is messy and things get hard. Death, struggles, and suffering are a part of our world. God never intended it to be that way, we live in a broken place. But despite all those things, God's love, faithfulness, compassion, and mercy never fail.

I went to a funeral for my friend's dad this week. It was the most amazing thing I have experienced in such a long time. While there was deep sadness, life was celebrated. It wasn't really a funeral at all, but a celebration of life and God's love. His presence was tangible. Even though people I love had to lose their father, God worked in the situation to touch lives. Even in death, the promise of eternal life and the beginning of eternity with Him was felt. It was a foretaste of heaven.

The life that my friend's dad lived was an encouragement to me and a challenge to trust and live for God in a deeper way. I honestly feel like God used that funeral to prepare me for what would occur just a day later. Stuff in my own life is getting complicated. More people I love hurt and are suffering. I can't fix it and that kills me, but I'm learning to trust God. Laying those burdens before Him not knowing what is to come, but choosing to trust and to rest in His assurance.

Life is fragile and messed up. God never changes so it's all good.

Bay shores and Ocean Floors

2008-10-28T16:08:00.000-07:00

Bay Shores: Thought I'd take a homework break and write a post. So this past weekend was great. I went on a road trip with my roommate Tiffany to Michigan (I had never been to MI before). We traveled over 500 miles and made it to Traverse City and back. We were able to stay at Tiffany's house, go to Lake Ann camp, visit Traverse City, and visit John Vermilya in Buckley. It was wonderful, but sadly the trip had to come to an end and we had to come back and be responsible students, haha.

Ocean floors: Today during my discipleship time with Debbie we talked about forgiveness vs. bitterness. As I sat there I prayed that God would bring things to mind that I needed to forgive. But goodness, I never realized how reluctant I am to forgive certain things. I was shocked by my own resistance. Inwardly parts of me were saying, "Why forgive? They hurt me and what they did was wrong. Why should they got off for free?"

My thinking was so wrong and I was reminded that justice belongs to God and that I needed to point the finger at myself. I've messed up more times than I'd ever like to count and God has granted me forgiveness. Do I deserve that forgiveness? No. But that's not the kind of Savior we have. It hurts Him when we sin and He allows us to humbley approach Him in all our filth and shame and seek His pardon. Wow. God is patient, slow to anger, filled with joy and love. He is compassionate, gentle, full of grace and mercy, and is forgiving.

I need to forgive as my Father has forgiven me. Forgiveness is a choice. Yeah, it may hurt and it will be hard, but once I deside to forgive that's when God can begin to heal the wounds and battle scars.

"My misdeeds
All my greed
All the things that haunt me now
They’re not a pretty sight to see
But they're wiped away
By a mighty, mighty wave
A mighty, mighty wave

Your sins are erased
And they are no more
They’re out on the ocean floor"
-Audio Adrenaline

Wait....this isn't finger painting class? Oh man....

2008-10-12T17:34:00.001-07:00

Art class has been a learning experience. Pretty much I've come to realize I have no skill.....it's a good thing Jesus loves me and my mom thinks I'm special.

A typical day in art class:

Me-

My classmates:

Sad story. The end. haha

Woah, how much?

2008-10-08T18:50:00.000-07:00

So I'm sitting here listening to Ooh Ahh by Grits, which happens to be one of my favorite songs, and I decided it's time for a post.

Something that's been on my heart lately is God's love. God IS love. His love for us is unfathomable and as His children we can't be separated from it, but I'll be real honest, I have trouble accepting that. I feel like there's something inside of me that every time I hear about God's love I inwardly ask, "Really, you love me that much? But God, it doesn't make sense, I'm the biggest screw up I know." And I am gently reminded, "Yes, that much. More than you can ever know." Man, God is so awesome.

In John 17:23 when Jesus was praying He said, "I in them and you in me, all being perfected into one. Then the world will know that you...love them as much as you love me." That's so crazy to me! God loves me as much as He loves Jesus. Maybe this all seems elementary, but it's hard for me to take in because I know I don't deserve His love and never will. Yet He chooses to love me despite every flaw and mistake.

In my quiet time yesterday morning this is part of what I read, "His love is more than words. When you became a child of the King, adopted into the divine family, things happened. All Jesus did on the cross was applied to your life. You went from blemished to blameless. From death sentence to eternal life. From orphan to royalty."

Wow. If you're reading this I want you to be reminded of how amazingly much YOU are LOVED. You couldn't have been bought with a higher price. God never regrets the decision He made to sacrifice His son for you. He has loved you with an everlasting love.

You are priceless.

How long have you been standing?

2008-04-07T14:29:00.000-07:00

TODAY:
Today's chapel was great. The guy who led it asked a question that really stuck with me today, "How long have you been standing?" Too often we lean on our own understanding and before we know it we're caring the weight of our world. It seems to me the longer we walk in this manner, the more weary and heavy-burdened we become. We lose sight of the One who asks us to give Him our load. He WANTS to carry it because He LOVES us that much. We often attempt to carry our loads until we're so fatigued that we buckle underneath the weight and fall to our knees. Perhaps it's in that time on our knees when we remember how things should be and we're faced with the decision to surrender. When we humble ourselves and get on our knees things come into perspective. God picks us up and restores us; He lifts the weight and puts it on Himself.

I don't know about you, but I've been standing for way to long.

LAST NIGHT:
Last night I was talking a friend about testimonies. We shared stories of people in our lives with amazing testimonies and how God is using them to make such an impact. After a while our own fears about sharing our own testimonies surfaced. I think there are many times that I rationalize that my testimony is nothing great. I've caught myself thinking, "My testimony would be so much better if I would have done a bunch of really terrible things and then came to know the Lord." That's crazy thinking (which by the way, is also wrong).

The truth of the matter is that we've all sinned and done terrible things. I've also allowed myself to think, "I'm not sharing "that" part of my testimony" because I've been afraid of what others will think. Then again I'm hit with the truth, those things are in the past and my life now should be a testament of how God has saved and changed me. Bottom line, we all have amazing testimonies. We're all sinners who have been saved by grace. We can never earn or deserve it. We can't make God love us more or less. The fact that with all the junk I've had in my life and all the times I've screwed up, Jesus died for me. That's insanely awesome.

From the inside out...

2008-03-24T16:40:00.000-07:00

These past fews months have been crazy. Things I was sure of last semester now leave questions marks in my mind. Things I was confident in now leave me doubting. I was talking to a friend about this last night and they told me that it was good because it meant I had a seeking heart. I never thought of it that way. I always felt like all of these unsure feelings were bad and I was scared to let anyone see past my facade of being "ok." Maybe God's let me go down this road to prepare me for big change. A time for molding, mending, and renovating.

Last week I found myself feeling as though I had lost myself. In high school I was somewhat sure of things, outgoing, warm, and encouraging. I miss that girl. I know those aspects are still there but they're different. Coming to college took away all my security blankets and complacencies. I know it's a good thing, but when I try to handle without God's help, it's so overwhelming. I'm ready to be sure of things again and I'm ready to fearlessly be myself. There's freedom in that.

Restless

2008-03-16T14:36:00.000-07:00

So...I was jumping on a trampoline at my friend's house this weekend, having a great time, but then I landed wrong. I felt my knee bend in toward my body, heard a few pops and cracks and before I knew it I was laying on the trampoline grasping my knee in pain. I've never heard a knee makes those sounds before (I cringe just thinking about it). I laid there with my friend's on the trampoline thinking that maybe the pain would go away...but it didn't. As I attempted to walk to the house my knee screwed up again. I managed to get to the couch and later did a lame crab walk to my friend's bed. Then Saturday morning my friend's mom came in to check on me and I tried to take a few steps. Bad idea, after only a couple small steps my knee ground left to right left to right and I was down on the floor. Ouch.

Long story short, my mom drove to Illinois to get (and grandma decided to go along too, haha), they took me to the emergency room, within the 2 hours that I was there I got x-rays, examined by a few nurses, put in a brace, and sent home. No answers...that was frustrating. Hopefully I'll get to see an orthopedic surgeon in the next couple days.

I know things happen for a reason and God is using this to teach me things, like how I have trouble accepting help from others. I never thought God would use blowing out a knee to reveal a pride problem. So here I sit, learning to accept and to be grateful for the help others are giving me.

I kinda wish this weekend could have been recorded so that I could laugh at myself. I've learned new ways to get around on crutches, wheely office chairs, and hopping on one leg, how to take baths, and dress myself....actually, it's probably best those moments weren't captured. haha